6 months later.

jaehyun couldn't take 6 months. his schedules were all messed up with his new secretary. he wasn't used to his secretary at all so he changed and changed over and over again. he couldn't get contented with his new secretaries so he always changed. none of them compared to how great taeyong was.

it took him 6 months to settle on a secretary. he was a year older than him and his name is kim doyoung. he's jungwoo's brother who just came from incheon looking for a job. so far, he's the only one who can keep up with a schedule like jaehyun's.

but not quite.

"mr. kim, what's next on my schedule?"

the new secretary opened the folder and looked through different times. "you have a meeting after lunch with mr. jeon. it's about the transferring of the shares sir. your dad's coming too."

"really?" jaehyun asked brows cocked up.

quickly, the secretary cleared his throat and looked back at the said schedule. at times like this, he was already nervous because the boss would point out a mistake.

"uhh..."

"are you not sure, mr. kim?" jaehyun asked. "are you sure that's for lunch today? i believe your looking at tomorrow's schedules."

the tall man cleared his throat and looked down the floor. "i'm sorry, sir." it happens all the time but jaehyun kept his calm. there was really no point in arguing now. and so he just sighed and pulled his chair back for more space.

he tapped his lap gesturing for the man to do his next work. here was jaehyun now. being reckless for all he cares.

even if doyoung didn't want to do what the boss wanted, he still did because it's what his boss ordered him to do. he didn't feel anything for the boss but he was always forced to sit on his lap and feel those soft lips.

it wasn't disgusting kissing his boss but it just felt wrong. for jaehyun, he felt like nothing. it's all nothing now. he still can picture taeyong, taeyong's plump lips and his petite little body.

as he kissed the man roughly, a baby bursted through the door along with a tall woman behind.

"daddy!"

quickly, the secretary was off of the man's lap and immediately carried his folder with him. "i'll get going, mr. jung." he sped off going to the door and passed the woman in blue.

"again, jaehyun?"

"what are you doing here?" he asked his sister. he tried carrying his son but the baby refused and ran back to his auntie soojung.

"see this?" krystal rolled her eyes at the man before carrying taeyang.

it's been a routine everyday. although it's not all the time, taeyang got used to his dad kissing other people, someone who's not his mom. but even if he was so used to seeing him do so, he still wouldn't let his dad carry him once he does witness another man on his lap.

for now, krystal took care of taeyang because jessica already flew back to new york.

for a short amount of time, taeyang already got used to the presence of his real mama. jaehyun didn't even know taeyong left the clothes he bought with taeyang when they went shopping. it was hidden in his closet and only krsytal knew about it.

she distinctly remember when she asked the baby where it came from.

"baby taeyang, do you know where this came from?" she asked, looking for clothes.

taeyang just got out of the shower and krystal was getting ready to dress him up. as she tried to find good clothes for the baby, she spot something from the far back of his closet.

there were matching clothes in single colors and different colors. it's like a matching clothes for mom and son. there were also pieces of three, like a family matching clothes. she thought jaehyun wouldn't buy something like this so she asked the baby instead.

"mama!"

krystal looked at the tiny human in confusion. "your mama?"

"mama bought in mall!"

and now she understood. she took one of the clothes and a paper dropped from one of them. it seemed like it was placed in between the fabrics. she took one of it and read it. "taeyang-ah! mama bought his for you. wear it when you remember to, okay? and you'll remember me too. mama loves you, baby."

it only came out to jaehyun as if krystal bought it for the baby. it was all new to jaehyun's eyes and he didn't mind it at all. of course, because he didn't know any of it.

the sister let taeyang play with his toys on the couch. she sighed as she watched the baby but she spoke to her brother without looking.

"i found out where to find him." jaehyun stopped what he was doing and turned to look at the lady. 

later that night, krystal stayed to take care of taeyang. it has become her routine to take care of taeyang since before. jessica and taeyong were not present now so she took the initiative to take care of her nephew.

since the baby was born, her mother and she took turns in taking care of the baby. but krystal was busier with different drama projects so their mom was the one to take care of the baby along with jaehyun himself.

but since their mother was back in the u.s. with their dad now, it was jaehyun and krystal left.

their eldest sibling, yunho, was nowhere to be found. although he went home during the holidays and special occasions, he still went missing during the regular days. he worked as an artist with the rest of his friends. after handling the company that he gave to yoonoh, he proceeded with his dream of being an artist.

he was busier than soojung. he went overseas almost every month for concerts and other affairs. and so he was always missing that he didn't come home anymore.

it's now 1 in the morning. jaehyun couldn't sleep. he's been used to it now, most of the time he stayed up until sleepiness came to take over.

but this time it seemed like sleepiness wasn't coming anytime soon.

he stood up from his bed and wore a jumper and some sweatpants. he slipped on his slides and went out the door.

he gently opened the door to the room where soojung and taeyang slept. there he saw his son sleeping peacefully, snuggled close to his auntie soojung. jaehyun closed the door as careful as possible and quietly made his way down the steps.

when he reached the door, he didn't think twice before opening and stepping out. he needed to clear his mind somewhere and find the drowse he's been struggling to find for tonight.

he walked and walked until he didn't know where he was anymore. as he walked down the streets, the lights went fewer. he was already reaching the boundaries to the city. he was close to the slums and so he took a turn.

he found a convenience store not far from his sight and decided to enter.

the store itself wasn't as big as the ones inside the city. looking from outside, it seemed pretty normal for jaehyun. that was, until he saw a man come out of it.

from where he stood, he was frozen. he couldn't take his eyes off of the man even if he wanted to. it was the man he tried to find for so long. he was here all along.

as the man reached close to him, he too, went frozen from where he stood.

"jaehyun..."

taeyong's voice was soft. it cracked due to the cold breeze that enveloped them. damn, i missed your voice. jaehyun thought.

what the older did shocked the man next. he smiled. for so long, he missed that smile from that one person. but it wasn't the same smile that made him see the real thing. it wasn't fake, it was sad. it wasn't forced, it was sincere.

combined, it still wasn't the smile he wanted.

don't smile on me
lie to me
neoege dagaseol su eopseunikka
naegen bulleojul ireumi eopseo

"hey..." was all jaehyun could say.

you know that i can't
show you me
give you me
chorahan moseub boyeojul sun eopseo
tto gamyeoneul sseugo neol mannareo ga

although jaehyun wanted to speak all his thoughts towards the man, he couldn't. he was a coward to face the man he loves. he was guilty for not letting him explain for the first time. his explanation was forced out of him but he still listened.

and yet, jaehyun let the man go.

but i still want you

"it's been months," taeyong started. "how are you?"

jaehyun stared right into his eyes trying to look for regret. he hoped that taeyong regretted his decisions. he hoped taeyong felt the regret of leaving the man and the baby behind.

but his eyes were empty. there was nothing. it was as if everything was drained down to the very last. or so he thought.

maybe taeyong learned to hide his feelings since then. and he became that good at it.

"i-i'm good. how about you, where do you live now?" he cursed inside his head for stuttering. he wanted to act tough, like he was the only victim. what he thought was wrong.

taeyong retrieved his smile back and it terrified jaehyun. how can he smile at me? he thought. "i don't see why i should let you know that." the older said.

it struck a lightning right to his heart. both of their hearts. it was right for taeyong to act tough but at his point, jaehyun was hurt by his words. it was as if they didn't go through the years. like there wasn't anything inside those numerous years.

"right. what are you doing here at this time of the night?" he asked instead trying to brush off the pain.

"i bought myself goods. i wouldn't want my sister to see these and steal it from me." he said with his voice down low.

taeyong is back to his monsters. jaehyun thought. as much as he didn't want to know that fact, he accidentally did. he didn't want him to go back to his neglective family. he could at least find some place else. but jaehyun forgot that one detail.

"why didn't you find somewhere else to stay?"

taeyong smiled again. he was stupid to let the cat out of the bag. "i have no job."

and one more time, it felt like jaehyun's heart was crushed. he didn't work now. and so he has no money. because he resigned to keep himself out of jaehyun's life. that's how he struggle to live again now.

now i understand. he felt like crying at that thought alone. this is how taeyong struggled everyday of his life since then. 

"where do you get the money to buy your food?" he asked.

it's now been minutes and they still stood 3 feet apart. it's amazing how taeyong found his courage to stay this long in front of jaehyun.

"i sell grilled foods every morning." the boy answered.

if only jaehyun was strong enough to not let him go in the first place.

eojjeomyeon geuttae
jogeumman
imankeumman
yonggil naeseo neoye ape seotteoramyeon
jigeum modeun geon dallajyeosseulkka

he wondered if taeyong thinks of his own child now. maybe taeyong hurt too every night of everyday, he didn't know. maybe he wasn't the only one hurting all this time. maybe it broke taeyong into pieces to be away from his own child too.

taeyong did want to know how taeyang was doing. but instead he kept the question to himself. he didn't want jaehyun to think of something else. he thought maybe jaehyun still held the grudge.

nan ulgo isseo
sarajin
muneojin
hollo namgyeojin i moraeseongeseo
buseojin gamyeoneul barabomyeonseo

but jaehyun did want him back. he was just a coward. from the minute he fell in love with his secretary, until the current times, he's still a coward.

and so he hoped taeyong would answer to his question. "when are you coming back?"

and i still want you

taeyong's heart was now nowhere to be found. his chest was empty as if his heart was stolen. although he wanted jaehyun to offer him his life back into the city, he felt ashamed of even looking at the man now.

but i still want you

"i'm not coming back."

taeyong gave him the same smile before walking away to pass by him. behind him was jaehyun who stared at nowhere.

he didn't even give him the chance to respond, and he just walked away.

but i still want you

slowly, the tears he held back until now came crashing down. he thought they have been empty. he thought they were long gone now, drained to the last drop. but he just forced them in until he wouldn't cry anymore for taeyong.

turns out, for taeyong, they're inexhaustible.

and i still want you