Looking out the window, the snow covered the Alps. taking a sip from my coffee, I quietly pondered the direction of my life, looking at the news paper, I was startled at the caption that proceeded the headline, "House Fire Destroys Family,  Family barely survives harrowing ordeal, The caption, and the headline chilled me to the core, I felt  sad,  lower than low, I could not even look at myself in the mirror, disappointed in the person that I became, the choices I made were not wise, they did not reflect my creed or core principles, If my grandmother was alive she would turn in her grave. Giving way to the tears I cried, for a while, suddenly I did something that I was not accustomed to doing, I began to pray I began to repentant, I returned to God, I was unashamed of my brokenness, My mother was a righteous upright person, that tried to help anyone that needed help. no matter who they were, young, old, rich, or poor, she always gave out of genuine concern and love from a pure heart. sadly many years ago, My mother was walking home from a long day of work. a young punk robbed her at gunpoint, my mother gave the robber what he asked her for, he still shot her and killed her in cold blood anyway, there was nobody around, she bled to death in a dark and cold alley alone. the pain consumed me to the point, family members started estranging themselves from me, I was lost, in a deep bottomless pit, of pain and despair.  I eventually turned to drugs and alcohol, to anesthetize my pain, It hurt too much to remember, reflect on the memories, It took me some time eventually, I felt strong enough to visit her grave. Imbittered to my core I was out of control, I forsook my values and principles. I  have rejected, refused to acknowledge or accept deep down, I knew that my behavior was wrong, I somehow felt justified in my anger, Life was unfair to me, cheated me, robbed me of a lot of opportunities, after my mother died, a piece of me died with her, my hope, my dreams, Now fast forward my life, the selfish choices, I made are teaching me a valuable lesson, Hatred, bitterness, robs you of joy and peace, your ability to create, and maintain meaningful relationships. I was dead in my trespasses,  I even forsook the God, that made me. I felt so miserable so empty, I felt like I did not have anyone, no one loved me. I was tired of hiding in shame, I knew that the life I was leading was not the life, that my mother would have wanted me to lead  my mother, on the other hand, did not  have    material possessions,  she was  wealthy and rich in her works toward humanity, she was kind and generous with her love. she lived a life of love and service to the lord. examining my life sitting in a hotel room, barely escaping sudden death, this traumatic situation has opened my eyes, to see that Iam headed in the wrong direction, I will either end up dead, or in prison, defrauding people, conspiring to commit crimes, I cried, I pleaded with God to save me out of my trouble, I know  I was responsible for my entire situatuion, my gut kept trying to warn me not to take the job, not to go through with my role in the house fire, I kept on thinking about the money, not listening to my heart, never asking myself how I really felt about it. Now I have to live a life of seclusion, Somehow, someway, I will make things right, I will give reciprocity for the damage that I caused even if it takes me losing my life. I will have to turn myself into the police and tell them the truth.