This past month has been a whirlwind of events. Everything up until now has been one of the worst months of my life.

It started back on the 1st of May, when Chabashira-sensei revealed to us what this trash school was actually like. I was obviously furious, as all the freedom I was promised by the school had been ripped away from me. I recognise my attitude during April was probably a huge reason why we lost all of our class points.

The lack of private points also hurt deeply. After given this extravagant amount to spend, they suddenly pulled the plug on us. It was like going cold turkey, it wasn't fair! Since I spent most of my points, I had to now somehow live another 4 weeks with what I barely had left? It was ridiculous.

What got to me the most was being insulted by a teacher I liked and being repeatedly told that I was in a class made specifically for defects. I wanted to hit, shout and tear everyone else in that class apart, because I was nothing like them. I knew that what she said wasn't true, yet... I still gave into those words.

Maybe it was because subconsciously, I knew that to be the truth.

Ever since I broke Keiki's legs, my life has always been on a downwards spiral. For the first time, I felt dark emotions that, and didn't know how to deal with them except turning it into anger, which resulted to me being violent towards others. I pretended I was okay, lying to myself that being alone was cool, but in actuality, I hated every moment of middle school.

But I thought, screw it. I'm not going to follow this broken system. I'm going to act how I've always acted, it doesn't matter. At this school, I had my football skills and real friends to carry me through these three years. I didn't care. I didn't even bother doing anything for the midterms, even though the idea of it irritated me.

Then, everything changed. For better or for worse.

It was all because I met Nora, the first person to encourage me to change my ways. Unlike everyone else, he was willing to hear me out without interfering or jumping to conclusions, and because of that, we became friends, even though I hurt him the first time we met.

Back then, I was pissed because I ran into a weakling. The type of person I absolutely hated back then. But now, I feel regret for shoving him to the floor and knocking that book out of his hands. I was so stupid, I forgot to apologise to him until two weeks later, and he still accepted it.

Most of all, I could see a little bit of myself inside of him. Seeing him get bullied, ostracised, and teased reminded me of what Keiki did to me after I snapped his legs in two. He turned the whole school against me, and I was left friendless and defenceless to their endless harassment.

I didn't want a school life like that for him. Nora deserved better, because unlike me, he didn't deserve to be in E Class at all. He's polite, kind and hard-working, yet the school decided he was defective? It was a joke, considering there were similar types of people in the other classes.

Even if he's weak, he had amazing intelligence, but no one cared about that. They'd rather take advantage of his shyness and abuse him, yet when people did it, he never retaliated. He took the pain and never acted violently to them. It was irritating that he couldn't stand up for himself, but the control he exerted was the sort of thing I wish I had back in middle school. I respected it.

That's why I became the type of person he could be friends with, so he didn't have to suffer a painful life like I did in middle school. We were in the same boat, after all. If those guys want to target an E Class student, then they should target me, not him. I'd fight back, no matter how many times, in order to protect myself and the people I care about. That's what I wanted.

But things didn't turn out that way. I quickly learnt that at this school, there were people stronger than me.

Shimada... that day he attacked me and Sakigamiya, I was blown away by how strong he was. It was just a kick, but the pain felt like a knife stabbed through you. Stupidly, when he went in to murder me, Sakigamiya jumped in to try and save me, but got gravely injured in the process. I appreciated the sentiment, but I didn't want her to risk herself for a guy like me.

I was in love with Sakigamiya, so I wanted to be the one to protect her. It should've been me defending her, not the other way around. This embarrassing moment where I was beaten by Shimada, and unable to defend the ones I loved, brought back those dark feelings from middle school that I thought I lost long ago. With all this spite in my heart, it had nowhere to go since I didn't want to be violent anymore.

However, I didn't have any control over it when Kurase pissed me off on the pitch. I wanted to hit someone so badly, and he gave me the perfect excuse. I was still burning with that darkness after Shimada's assault on me, so I poured out all my anger out on the next best thing, his own classmate. As a result, I used my fists to beat him down, which sparked Yahagi to bring up that stupid trial against me, causing unnecessary stress to me and everyone I asked helped for.

Pathetically, I relied on Sakigamiya again. She worked extra hard to try and pull everything together, even though the more important midterms were right around the corner. However, it was pointless, as in the trial, A Class used the hidden ace up their sleeve, Ryouta. Ryouta had indisputable video evidence of my violence, which caused that stupid judge Masamoto to rule one thing.

Expulsion.

They wanted to expel me... in that moment, a new blood red anger completely took over me and made me act irrationally. I was saved by Tachibana, who imposed a suspension and banning me from entering the football pitch instead. I was thankful that I wouldn't be expelled, but having the football pitch taken away from me also finally stripped away my last bit of freedom at this school.

If I couldn't play football at this school, then, what was the point of being here? It was no different from being expelled.

Due to my suspension taking place during the midterms, I had to miss them out. By the time I got off the suspension, the football club was going to participate in their first preliminary match, which I had to miss to retake the midterms. It infuriated me, since without me, the ace striker, they'd never win any games. I was just too important to that team, and they knew it, which is why I didn't get kicked off the club after the ban.

However, I couldn't focus on that mishap. I had to focus on the exams which I had properly prepared for, once in my life. During my time in suspension, I used it to study science more in order to score 80% on the midterm for Sakigamiya's sake. I received help from an upperclassman, Kaido, to study physics, and even that weird guy Himeji helped me.

Finally, when I took the midterms, they were the worst fucking thing to happen in my life.

All of my revision was for nothing. I could barely answer any of the questions. It felt like the whole of May was a waste of time and energy. If I didn't study, the result wouldn't change. I'd still get this abysmal score because that's how I've always been. I'm a stagnant, useless, lazy person when it comes to anything other than sport. I was a defective student through and through.

Yet, for science, I tried so hard to make it work out differently. I wanted to go against the current of fate and prove to everyone that I wasn't defective. I tried so hard to learn it, I tried to hard to understand it, and I tried to do everything I possibly could to try and get 80%! If I didn't get 80%, then what was the point of all my struggling!

But... I still failed. I still fell short and was unable to reach my goal. It was more like I was the farthest thing from it.

49%... not even 50%. It was just an insult to my intelligence now. I really am useless at anything else other than sports.

Sure, it might be my highest score yet... but it means nothing because it's not 80%. I had to get 80%, or else all my hard work and effort was for nothing. I wanted to go to Sakigamiya's apartment so badly... it was the only thing I was looking forward to at the end of this shitty month!

I quit studying for anything else and focused purely on science. I put in all that time and effort, tossed my other grades into the bin, and put myself through revision hell that I've never been used to, only to have it chucked back in my face and spat on. It was humiliating and crushing. Why didn't anything turn out my way?!

It doesn't matter anymore... the midterms are over. My only chance to get closer with Sakigamiya was gone.

All of this strife and conflict wasn't worth it. I don't want to study ever again. I'll just have to try a different way to get closer to her, because I did all that and got nothing. No consolation prize. Just an empty hole in my scarred heart.

In my frustration, I snapped my pen in two, spilling sticky ink on my fingers.

Fuck this shit.