I loved him so much but never quite liked him. In fact, I kinda hate him - like hating the indie kid that I barely talked with in secondary school. It's 10% something in between cool and pretentious and 90% something I absolutely could not care less about. I even made a list of reasons why I hate him but never sent it because <why am I arguing anyway>.

One, I hate your cool taste in music and movies
Some I came across and enjoyed in insignificant nights of my life then forgot about.
You think my taste is stupid, cheap, and immature
But happiness in my glasses is to shut down my anxieties and thoughts.

Two, I hate the way our social facades flipped.
Now there is no more 'us'
I am too lame and you are too sophisticated.
I am spontaneous and childish
You are stable and mature.

Three, I hate your talent in arts and photography.
The only two things I want to see for eternity are the stars and my teenage loves
But no painting or photo can ever capture those lights like my eyes did
The present sorrow would just freeze their warmth.

Four, I hate your interest in cognitive science.
Now I look back thinking all our memories were just your experimental sessions for me
And I was never anything more than a patient you wanted to study.

Five, I hate that I have never really known you.
I found out more about you in a random post on the internet than all our conversations combined
Yet you know so deep and dark of me maybe even more than I know myself.

Six, I hate how your commitment issue and social bee instinct coexist.
Seven, I hate the fact that you had always ignored my feelings but never rejected explicitly.

Eight, I hate you turning my favorite romcom classic to Twilight.
Nine, I hate you drawing the line by calling me a cool and nice friend to have around.
Ten, I hate you treating everyone overly nice like a habit.

Eleven, I hate that you go to college in the States.
You had always been so busy that you were always my wrong timing
For once it worked you left to a place thousands of miles and sixteen hours away
Twelve, I hate that hollow-hearted reassurance you did not even mean when I said we could not make it work.

And for the thirteenth reason, I also hate your dumb hair.

I started to think if I had jumped to the conclusion too fast about my feelings for him. I know literally nothing about this person. He probably thinks everything I wrote for him was stupid and childish. Or that I am paranoid. Or both.

"My love is crooked and ugly - I don't know if this is the only way I can love, but on those rare ocassions I have loved someone, it all happened in my head and I already knew that they didn't feel the same the moment I realized my feelings. A silly crush is easy to ignore and forget, but love means that someone would be on my mind all the time just to remind me that I am unlovable and it is ridiculous how I even have those feelings within me. The more I love someone, the more I hate myself. That's why when life is peaceful and happy, it's love, but when life gets tough and I lose my mind, it's a burden.
My friendship broke, and I keep getting this urge of disappearing from your life.
I love you, yet I don't really like me, so I don't believe that you would ever feel the same about me, and I don't even want me to be in your life at all. It's overwhelming and suffocating and I feel like everything I did was wrong and nothing can be fixed.

So I decided to confess. Not to receive your answer. Just for me to lift that off my mind because I simply cannot process it for now. Running away is my coping mechanism. I cannot undo my feelings. I delete them from my memory. I don't know if I'm gonna be "okay" after this. I would probably feel so empty. But I need to stop my feeling somehow. If not today, then it would happen eventually one day. The longer I keep hiding, the more difficult it's gonna be to forget later on. The longer I'm in your life and you're in mine, the more difficult it's gonna be to act like nothing has ever happened.

I still mean it when I say what I feel for you is beyond love sometimes. You have always been my savior, my anchor, my warmth - an existence so precious I don't even deserve in my life. I do wish even just for one short moment I could have given you what you gave me by showing up in my life. But I am not so good at that. At least now I can free you from my problems. Just forget about me, about all this, and go on with your life.

I am sorry. Thank you."

Maybe he's been right all the time. It's just a compatibility problem. Just simple as that.