FOUR.
children of anger!

( warning: depictions of self harm )

❝ why are you so full of rage? / because you are full of grief ❞

⎯ anne carson, grief lessons

"WHY DIDN'T YOU tell me?"

Bucky sits up from where he's laying on the floor, a sweaty t-shirt clung to his chest as he bolts upright from his frenzied sleep. Outside, the distant buzz of car alarms and honking horns alert him that it's morning. He rubs a hand down his face and turns to see the muscled girl in a large red shirt standing in the middle of the room. Her hands are clenched to fists at her side, just like always.

    Bucky shifts as Reine gets closer to him, falling to her knees. She hadn't come out of her room since they'd gotten home the previous day, not even when Bucky had offered her cereal for dinner, her favourite. She wouldn't listen to him as Bucky tried to explain why he didn't tell her about Yori's son. She was mad, he could tell, and when Reine got mad, the whole world seemed to bend to her will.

    "Reine I—" but Bucky was cut short by his step-daughter's glare that could light him on fire if she stares long enough. She crosses her arms over her chest and leans back onto her heels, big t-shirt falling past her knees. He remembers when she first came out of her room wearing that shirt. It was in Madrid, a year into staying with them, and Reine was a spunky eleven year old who thought her family was the center of the whole world.

    Marina had bought him the shirt on her way home from volunteer work, thinking it would be cute as the shirt had a smiling man with a bottle of beer in his hands. It reminded her how Bucky was the complete opposite, she'd told him with a kiss. He'd worn it for her, but then stopped after Reine found it in the back of his dresser. She'd unironically claimed it as her own, and Marina had said with a laugh that it fit Reine's personality better than it did Bucky's.

    He hasn't seen Reine go to sleep without it since coming back.

    "Why?" her voice is muffled from the hoarseness of her throat. "Why didn't you tell me?" Bucky goes to reply, but Reine's not done. "He was Yori's son,  Bucky. You need to tell him."

    "No." Bucky cuts in, sharper than he means to. Reine's face falls, making his insides burst into flames. "Reine, I can't"

    "You heard him." she argues. "He needs to know what happened. You know what happened." Bucky shakes his head, leaning back, turning to peer out the window. "Just tell him."

    "No, Reine!" Bucky shouts, and Reine flinches, her hands moving to the floor. "I... I can't." his voice breaks at the end, and his jaw tightens. Reine shakes her head, face slack. Her mind whirs, trying to find some reason as to why Bucky won't tell Yori. He needs closure about his son, and if Bucky knows, then why won't he tell him?

    If Bucky will lie to Yori, Reine thinks, is he lying about her mother too?

    Reine wipes a hand across under her eyes, sniffling. Bucky moves to embrace her, but the girl is too quick, and is back on her feet before he can reach her. Her step-father peers up at her, guilt and shame and something else she doesn't understand swimming through his face. She stifles a breath, forcing her lungs open when all they want to do is collapse. She's become a pro at keeping herself from falling to pieces when someone else is in the room.

    She now knows to pull a mask down, to pull a sliver of the anger burning beneath her flesh over her face so that no one will dare try to push through and actually help her. So far, it's worked, and the only person who seems to want to bust down her imaginary walls is Bucky. So far, he's been unsuccessful.

    Reine would like to keep it that way.

    "Don't lie." she tells him. "Please." Then she walks away, leaving him kneeling in the middle of the apartment, arms empty and heart cold. Bucky watches her leave, longing to have their past back. He wishes she would run into his arms again, rest her head on his shoulder and play with his metal arm. He wishes they would play fight in the middle of the living room, have staring contests while doing homework and make faces at each other from across the dinner table.

    Like Dr. Raynor said, they're all each other has, and they need to stick together.

    But now, Bucky feels as if they're more distant than ever, and as Reine slams her door closed once more to get dressed for the day, her words press up against the side of Bucky's head.

    Don't lie, please. For some strange reason, Bucky knows she's not just talking about Yori.

✧

    They decide to buy her flowers.

    It's ten minutes before they need to be at Leah's restaurant, but only thirty that the two have been together all day. Reine hadn't come out of her room until Bucky quite literally busted down the door. She'd argued that she didn't want to go for their so called "date", but Bucky had forced her by pointing out that Leah was expecting them, she was a nice lady, and if Reine didn't go, she would be disappointing everybody.

    Reine had trudged into the living room, dressed nice enough, and had punched Bucky in the arm when he tried to fix her hair a bit.

    Now they walked towards the street, flowers in Bucky's gloved hands, Reine's crossed over her chest. She'd decided to wear her favourite red hoodie and pair of jeans, sleeves pulled down over her scabbed hands. She'd wanted to pull up the hood, but that was one thing Bucky was adamant about. She'd resulted to tucking her neck so far into the hoodie that she reminded Bucky of a turtle, not that he told her this.

    They near the restaurant, and Bucky reaches down to grasp her hand, but Reine pulls it away, stuffing her fists into her pockets. Bucky side-eyes her, taking a deep breath, then reaches up and stops her from moving any further.

    Reine glares but looks up to him.

    "Can you promise to be nice tonight?" he says. "Please." Reine rolls her eyes and looks down to the sidewalk, but hesitantly nods her head. Bucky does the same and lowers his hand, and Reine stalks forward, but mumbles something under her breath.

    "I'm nice." she says, and now Bucky's the one who rolls his eyes. He follows his stepdaughter to the entrance, and the girl wrenches the door open so hard he's afraid it might fall off its hinges. Inside, Leah is cleaning up, but turns when she hears the door swing open.

    She gives Reine a kind smile that makes the younger girl's cheeks turn red, and then the woman laughs when Bucky stands next to Reine and hands Leah the flowers.

    "Well, if that is not the most adorably old fashioned thing anyone has ever done." Bucky laughs softly, but Reine stays silent. She smiles however, and doesn't talk back, keeping good on her promise. She subconsciously moves closer to Bucky's side. Leah turns away to the other side of the room, while Reine and Bucky stand awkwardly in the middle.

    "Grab a seat." she calls out. "I'll be done in a few." Bucky leads Reine over to the side of the counter, and they both sit down on the spinny stools. Reine rocks from side to side, her mind far off in the distance, while Bucky flexes his hands and turns to see a white cat with a moving arm. Reine follows his gaze, and they both watch, half hypnotized, as the white cat's left arm swings back and forth as if on a pendulum.

    After a moment, Bucky reaches over to try and stop the arm from swinging, but after a couple seconds it simply continues. Reine almost laughs, but instead snorts and covers her mouth with her sleeve.

    Bucky looks to her and jabs his elbow into her side, making the young girl snort louder.

    At that moment, Leah reemerges.

    "So, have you two gotten out much since half the fish in the sea came back?" she asks, going around the counter to start cleaning glasses. Reine shifts in her seat, and Bucky grabs the beer Leah set out for him, taking a sip.

    "Um," he starts. "A bit." he curls his hands and releases them. "We tried the whole social media thing." Reine nods her head, and a slight smirk comes to her lips as she remembers that disastrous experience.

    "Oh, yeah?" Leah says, laughing, not letting her confusion as to why they didn't have it before make it onto her face. "What was that like?"

    "It was... interesting." Reine cuts in.

    "A lot." Bucky concludes. "Lotta weird pictures."

    "The tiger photos." Reine jests, then does an over-dramatic shiver that makes Leah laugh. "So many tiger photos."

    "The tiger photos were weird." Bucky answers. Leah won't stop smiling, and turns away to smother her laughs. It seems there two aren't caught up with the modern workings of the world. Reine and Bucky don't notice how adorable Leah thinks they are. They are being completely serious when it comes to Facebook or that god-forsaken Snapchat.

    Reine shivers again, but this time, it's real.

    "You," Leah points to Bucky, "sound like my dad." Reine splutters on her soda, nearly spitting it onto Bucky, who gives her a sharp but slightly amused look. "Wait, how old are you?"

    Without missing a beat Bucky replies. "A hundred and six." there's a lapse of silence, then Leah bursts out laughing. To keep from drawing suspicion that they're being serious, Reine and Bucky laugh as well, but it's strained.

    "What's up with your gloves?" Leah then asks casually. Reine is trying to figure out how Leah can't recognize Bucky, as he is known to most of the world as the Winter Soldier or Captain America's best friend. Bucky doesn't seem to mind, however. Instead, Reine thinks he actually enjoys not being known to everyone. It's a nice change of pace to what he's used to.

    It's like when he first met Marina, and the woman didn't fall in love with him because of who he had been, but with who he was now.

    Bucky gulps, the beer slipping down his throat suddenly turning bitter.

    "I, um..." Bucky says, holding up his gloved hand. "Have, uh, poor circulation." Bucky turns away as Leah clicks her tongue and finishes cleaning up the counter, then kneels down until she's out of view. Bucky and Reine share a tense look. This does not seem to be going very well. Reine quirks an eyebrow. Told you. Bucky elbows her again, and Reine retaliates with a strong shove that nearly knocks him off his seat.

    Leah pops back up and the two go rigid. "Let's play a game." she says. "You like games?"

    "Love 'em." Bucky and Reine say in synchronizing tones.

    "Do you have battleship?" Reine asks, remembering when they used to play that game back in Madrid, Marina and her always teaming up against Bucky, who was terrible at board games. You're the worst, Marina had teased. I know, Bucky had replied, but he wasn't really listening, just staring at her mother with a look of awe on his face.

    Reine gulps and Bucky stiffens, also remembering.

    "I do!" Leah replies, and brings out an all to familiar box set. She then looks to Reine and Bucky, raising a sinister but cute eyebrow. "Let's play."

    "What are you doing?" Bucky's half amused voice cuts through Reine's fixation on the board in front of her. She almost wants to hit him for making her lose focus. While Bucky might not take board games seriously, Reine certainly does, and she's not happy to be interrupted. Her and her stepdad are on one team while Leah sits across from them. Bucky takes a swig of his beer while Reine places her hands on either side of her face, elbows on the wood table.

    Leah is in almost the exact same position, and looks between Reine and Bucky with a sly smirk.

    "I'm reading your mind." she answers.

    "Please don't." Bucky replies, looking away, but Reine, as always, accepts the challenge and stares right back. Leah tries not to break contact. Reine squints harder.

    "B-8, suckers." Leah says, and Reine looks away, groaning loudly as Bucky peers down distractedly.

    "Uh, hit!" he exclaims, and then grunts as Reine smacks her head onto his shoulder. "Easy, easy Reine." Leah laughs and lifts her beer.

    "Come on, drink!" she says to Bucky. Reine makes a dash for his bottle before he can get it, trying to lift the glass to her mouth, but Bucky expertly finds her ticklish spot (hint: her knees) and the girl cries out as he takes back his bottle and takes a few sips of his own.

    Reine pouts while Leah, laughing uncontrollably says. "Wow, you really can drink." it's in a highly sarcastic tone, which Reine very much appreciates.

    "Yeah, well..." Bucky starts, then trails off.

    "Do you have any siblings?" Leah asks, causing a shift in the conversation.

    "No." Reine says plainly.

    "I have a sister." Bucky cuts in, his voice low. "F-4."

    "No!" Reine exclaims while Leah smiles at her.

    "Miss." she says, and Bucky gives Reine an apologetic look. "Drink." she then looks down. "Are you close with your parents?" she's not asking Reine this time.

    "I was," Bucky says. "They, uh, passed away. Um, D-5."

    Leah doesn't seem to hear the last part. "Oh, I'm sorry. Miss." she looks down, as if contemplating, then peers up again and says. "Yori told me about Mrs. Castell. I'm so sorry."

    "Thank you." Bucky says, Reine keeping silent.

    "Um," Leah says. "I think it's really sweet that you two are spending time with Yori. He really connects with you." Reine nods, moving her head down to gaze at her lap. "It's been hard for him since his son died." Bucky doesn't blame Leah for what she says next, as he could have stopped her at any point, but the woman's words still cut deep. "I think not knowing how it happened is the hardest part for him. It really messed him up." she looks up. "I think you two could really help him. He trusts you, and he doesn't trust many people." she takes a deep breath. "There's no word for a person who loses their kid, you know? And that's like the worst thing that could happen."

    Reine sucks in a breath, memories of the day she turned to dust swimming like a knife cutting through water. She can't imagine what her mother went through, finding out that her child and husband had both died. Reine closes her eyes. Her hands curl into fists.

    Her breathing has become unsteady, her lungs collapsing inward. There's a lump in her throat, and she can't seem to see past the blur of tears filling her eyes. Bucky is stiff, but when he looks at Reine, so rigid she could be a statue, he finds his voice.

    "Yeah," he says, taking Reine's arm and helping to her feet. "Excuse us."

    Leah frowns, then her eyes soften, and guilt passes across her face. "I'm sorry."

    "Excuse us." Bucky repeats.

    He holds both of Reine's arms, guiding her to the door, forcing it open and pushing her through. The girl is hyperventilating now, her lips dry and her eyes wide.

    "Reine, it's okay, it's okay." Bucky says to her, but at that moment, the girl's knees buckle. Bucky grunts as he catches her, pulling one arm under her knees and the other behind her neck.

She's shaking, he carries her the rest of the way home.

When they enter the apartment building, Reine can't contain her sobs, burying her head in Bucky's shoulder. He's trying to keep his own tears in, interlocking images of the day he killed Yori's son and the wife he's lost punching holes into his mind.

"It's okay, it's okay." he continues to say into his daughter's ear. He kicks open the door and rushes into the bathroom, placing her down in the bathtub. Reine cries out, grasping for Bucky's hands.

"Don't leave," she says, voice half crazed. "Please don't leave me!"

"I'm not going anywhere, Reine," his voice is hoarse. "I'm just gonna get you some water, okay? I promise I'll be back." he lets go of her, and though it feels like torture, Bucky forces himself out into the hall. He goes to the front door, gaze lingering on Yori's closed door across the hall.

For a moment, he wonders if he should go to him. Like Reine and Leah said, the man deserves closure. But no, Bucky turns away, closing his heart off, soul twisting at the sound of Reine's flurried sobs. He rushes into the kitchen, trying to find something to calm his step-daughter down.

Back in the bathroom, Reine shivers.

The shaking has died down, but the tears haven't. She sits up, hands over her mouth to stop from screaming. The door to the bathroom is open, but she pushes it closed, and when she hears the satisfying click, the girl gets up. Her legs are wobbling like noodles, her head swimming.

Memories, unwanted and agonizing, pierce her head. It's her mama's smile that forces the girl up, standing in front of the sink and mirror. She places both hands on either side of the sink, hair falling into her eyes, and she pushes them away before gazing into the glass.

But all she can see is her mother. Her mother, with her high cheekbones and pink lips. Her mother, with dark chestnut hair and bright eyes. But then her mother with pale skin, lost of all colour, dried lips and dark circles under her eyes. Her mother, black and blue and gone. A ghost, a dead woman.

Reine rocks back and forth, her eyes never leaving the ones staring back at her.

"She's..." Reine starts, whispering to herself, so quiet it's lighter than a feather's touch. "She's..." Reine gulps. "She's dead."

No, her head screams, no no NO! But it's true. Her mother is dead. Somehow, Reine has always known, a part of her deep inside fighting to break free. The denial has melted away, realization and truth flashing red across her mind.

"She's dead." Reine says again to herself. "She's dead, she's dead, she's dead." Reine freezes, stiffening so that her back is straight and her head watches the one reflected in the mirror.

My mother is dead.

"No." Reine whimpers. "No, no, no." they get louder each time, so filled with pain that the Universe trembles. "No, no, NO!"

It happens so quick, so fast and flurried, that at first Reine doesn't feel it. She's no longer attached to her body, unable to control her movements, and as a phantom floating above, disconnected and numb, Reine watches herself punch the mirror.

She screams, fist flying at the glass, shards cutting into her flesh, but she doesn't stop. Again and again Reine forces her hand into the glass, the wall shuddering from her strength, glass falling to the floor.

She screams again. Glass embeds itself in Reine's knuckles. The biting pain is nothing compared to the aching in her heart. The anger Raynor warned her about comes forth, boiling like hot magma, and Reine can't feel anything else but rage.

Rage against the world, for taking her life and stitching her back together wrong. Rage against the fire inside her, unable to be tamed, a strength she doesn't understand and cannot control. Rage against her mother, her beautiful gentle, and achingly dead mother.

"REINE!" Bucky's screams are harsh, cutting through the fog that has clouded Reine's mind. The girl pauses, her arms raised, ruby tinted blood dripping down her arm. Bucky's standing in the doorway, a glass of water and a box of cereal in his hands.

They drop to the floor, and Bucky runs in.

Then Reine breaks, tears falling down her face with no end in sight. Her sobs are loud and make the foundations of the world shutter. Bucky catches her again. The girl falls against his chest, and together they drop to the floor. Reine sits against his chest under his neck, wounded arms curled tightly into his own. She cries and he kisses her forehead, her cheeks, her neck, trying anything to calm his daughter down.

"She's dead," Reine cries out. Bucky puts a hand on her head, and she curls into his body, trembling. Bucky doesn't care about the blood staining his shirt, or the broken room or the shattered glass. He doesn't care about the forgotten woman in the restaurant, or their neighbor in need of closure.

All he cares about is the girl in his arms, the girl he holds and kisses and comforts. The girl that has now become his entire world. At this moment, Bucky Barnes makes a promise. Without his wife, the world has grown dark, but as Bucky wraps his arms around Reine and she pushes her face into his neck, he promises to make the world as bright as he can for his daughter.

"She's dead."

a/n: yeeeeshhh that was emotional wasn't it? I'm sorry to put you guys through all that, but unfortunately it was completely necessary in getting Reine to accept that Marina is in fact dead, and also to dive deeper into both Bucky and Reine's tumultuous relationship.

Now, it is clear that Reine has some temper issues, and doesn't quite know how to control her somehow heightened emotions. I'd just like to say that I in no way shape or form condone the actions of Reine in this scene. IF you are feeling angry or have instincts to self-harm, please go and speak to someone you trust, someone you know will help you get through this. I apologize if that last scene was triggering for anyone.

As always, don't be afraid to comment, vote, and follow me if you liked this chapter! I would love to know your thoughts on this chapter. Next chapter is the start of episode two, and we get to see our favorite flying bird-man!

Love you, Mal