(Requested)

:)

this is a oneshot that hopefully can convey some of my words directly to you, if you're in a bad state of mind

High School AU

__

It's quiet. More quiet than I would have liked, if I'm honest. I feel empty, having twitched out everything for the past couple hours. I shake my head and thump my foot, trying to crawl out of my own skin, desperate for something to latch on to, to help me remove some part of me that I despise so much; in which my hatred overcomes me, and then I yell, and I scream at the people that I love, and I roll my eyes even though I want to plead for forgiveness.

After they walk away, dejected, I bash myself for the things that I do, my mouth not even daring to open up and spill out all the feelings that I feel, all the emotions that toll through me on a daily basis, and just leave myself here to rot in my own toxicity. I want to find something to let it out, but no tears fall to my command, no shouts or yells pull themselves free from the fine linings of my vocal chords, I just breathlessly float away.

Sometimes I wished I could just float away. To a place where I didn't have to have this part of me that I despise so much. It wasn't my choice to have mental breakdowns in the bathroom at school, nor was it to threaten my parents that I'd run away just because they were upset that my grades had fallen so badly.

But in the moment, I thought to myself: who the fuck cares about me? When have my parents ever asked if I was okay? When have they ever sat down, smiled, looked into my eyes and said: "(Y/N), I love you," fully, and earnestly, without hesitation, without that glint in their eyes that tell me I'm not good enough? Who, when they look at me, don't have that sparkle of disgust? The false words that roll off their tongues, feeding lies into my ears, telling me that I'm so good?

Because I'm not. I'm just a stupid kid that lies all the time.

God.

A hefty gurgle comes from the back of my throat as I feel the urge to vomit, but restrain it once I hear my phone ring. My shaky hand goes to grab it, fingers trembling at the touch of the cold, lit-up screen.

I see the Caller ID and immediately wince.

Oh, Soren. Nevertheless, I take a breath in and act like I'm fine. My finger presses the pick-up button.

"Hey babe," I chirp, a smile plastered onto my face, my teeth tugging at my bottom lip. "What's up?"

"Baby!" His smooth yet energetic voice is like a kick to the stomach. I flinch, almost dropped my phone, my hand clapped over my mouth at an attempt to muffle the sound of air being knocked out of my lungs.

"It took you a longer time to pick up than usual," he mused, chuckling in amusement. I forced out a laugh, my voice breaking in the middle, but cleared my throat to even out the consistency of it.

"Yeah, it kinda did," I laughed, pinching my arm between my thumb and index finger. Soren gave another chortle from the other end of the line. My insides were churning. I couldn't stand the stillness of the call.

"Well, I bought donuts! Unlike me, but gotta have a treat once in a while. For us, you know? Speaking of which, I'm at your door! You told me your folks aren't home, so I dropped by!"

"Wh-What?" I hummed, trying to sound even more positive. Now? A surprise visit?

"You don't sound too happy to see me," Soren teased, his voice disoriented from the breeze blowing outside. "You sure you want me to come?"

"No! No! I'm okay, Soren, I promise! I'm happy to see you, really!" He laughed again and coughed, the sound muffled by the howling wind.

"C'mon, open the door for your boyfriend, it's freezing!" He audibly sniffed from the other end of the line, and my heart ached.

"Of course. I'll be there in just a moment," I stammered, unsure and unable to act. "I-I'll... I'll be there!"

"Okay babe, see y-" I ended the call, frantically shaking and sweating, thinking of what to do. Quickly, I shoved the mess in my room into my closet, switching clothes and practically ripping out my hair in order to brush it. I rushed down the steps and received my boyfriend with a pair of sunglasses on my face, and a big, almost awkward, smile.

His pale blue eyes seemed to brighten as he saw me, a hand reaching up to comb through his blonde and brown locks of hair. A grin spread across his features, his cheeks and the tip of his nose tinted red from the frosty wind outside. Around his neck slung a beige scarf I bought him last Christmas.

"Sorry for the impromptu stop by-" he paused, taking a double-look at my face. "Are those... sunglasses?" A curious smile made its way onto his face, a hand reaching for the spectacles upon my nose. I nervously gasped and grabbed his hand, afraid that if he took them off, he'd uncover what I'd been doing with my free time.

Soren seemed surprised as well when I forcefully knocked his hand out of the way. His eyes widened and his pupils shrunk, almost as if he was hurt by the gesture. I scrambled to put together an apology.

"S-Sorry, Soren. It's just that- My eyes are sensitive to light because I just got a laser thing done on them. For vision, and stuff." I anxiously chuckled to diffuse to topic and dragged him inside. "Let's just get you warmed up." He stumbled into the living room and I lightly shoved him onto the couch, whisking away the box of donuts in his hand and replacing it with a warm mug of hot chocolate.

He smiled in graciousness and sipped at it while I turned on the heater. I hadn't realized how cold it had been in my room, and how blue my lips were. I shook my head and furrowed my eyebrows, forcing myself to forget about it.

"It's nothing, it's fine," I thought, while getting two plates out for the desserts. "Everything will be okay." Suddenly, like a bird smashing into a window, I crashed into Soren, who was obliviously behind me. At the impact, everything started falling in slow-motion. My heartbeat increased steadily, and my feet seemingly just lifted off the ground, enough for me to start slipping.

Like the sensation I'd felt when I wanted to melt away. But everything came back into full revolution as the sound of smashing plates and the clatter of my sunglasses rang through my eardrums as a stinging sensation across my back flared up, as I knew things had gone downhill. There was no way to recover from this. Immediately, Soren, like a true gentleman, bent down to see if I was okay.

"(Y/N)! I am so sorry, I didn't mean to- to..." His voice quietly dipped, fading away as a hand slowly reached out to feel my eyelids and the bottoms of my red, puffy eyes. My pupils shrank in horror as I watched his face transform to one of shock. It triggered something, and without my knowing, the tears I'd wanted to let out so badly were freely flowing down my cheeks and staining my sweater.

Not now, please. Please. Please. Please, not now.

Hiccups blossomed out of my throat as sobs began to make their way out like sad, tiny ghosts wailing for help. Soren took my hand and kissed to back of it as he cradled me in his arms, kneeling down so that I could freely cry into his forgiving shoulder.

"Baby Doll, c'mere." His firm hands gripped onto my back, like he was securing me in some sort of position. Warm breaths of air heaving in and out of his lungs as he breathed deeply, his blonde locks of hair tickling the back of my neck. I could feel his jaw tense up as he clenched it, lips pressed firmly together, bracing himself as I completely lost it.

I spasmed, clawing at my face, trying to escape from the embarrassing moment. But I couldn't. I rubbed at my eyes, trying to make myself see stars, a break from the reality that I feared the most. My hands pinched my cheeks and my jaw hinged and unhinged yet again as my brain short-circuited. This went on for a good amount of time until I stopped, my muscles limp and unable to struggle anymore.

Breathless, and my eyes dull, Soren brought his hands to gently hold my head, palms cupped around my ears. He raised it so that he could see my tired eyes and broken smile. A stray tear leaked down my face, dripping onto my chin and down onto the floor with a silent splatter.

"I'm okay, Soren, I'm okay. I promise." At those words, his eyes glistened and his bottom lip quivered, blue eyes fogging up with a mist of pain. I had never seen him like this. Out in public, or in the reserves of our own privacy. Never once did he cry, or complain, or express any negative emotion. It surprised me, to say the least.

"Sweetheart..." he whispered, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Don't lie to me. Please, (Y/N)." He shook his head and brushed his thumb against my cheek, moving it across the delicate skin. I gazed into his eyes as Soren tried to blink back tears, gasping for breaths of air in an attempt to not cry.

"I'm sorry, Soren. You didn't have to see this." I wiped my eyes with my sleeve, looking down. "You never had to find this out." I expected for him to look at me, disappointed -- even break up with me on the spot. Like everyone does, I even expected for me to be better than this.

Soren just leaned in and pressed his lips to mine for a few seconds, then gently leaned his forehead against my own.

"Baby." I sighed, squeezing my hem of my sweater. "Darling, listen to me." I slowly nodded, a hesitant response to his calm command. Soren took my hand and held it gingerly, almost as if it would break.

"You're not feeling well. And that's fine. But one day, you will be. Everything that comes will always go. Even though it feels like, in the moment, nothing exists, nothing is worth it anymore, in the future, you'll thank yourself for keep persevering. I can't say I know how it feels, but I want you to be happy, babe. I'll do anything to help you, believe me. And when you feel like you're okay with yourself, I'll be right there, by your side, still loving you."

I pressed my lips together in a thin line, squeezing my eyes shut, trying not to be emotional. Soren gave a small chuckle and enveloped me in his arms again, pressing gentle kisses on my forehead and along my cheeks.

"I love you, Gorgeous." At the end of it all, I still wasn't able to get over it. Years of loathing wasn't able to be fixed like that in a snap. But I learned that there was hope. Hope in someone who loved me, and someone who knew. If I opened up, maybe then, I could finally reach my salvation.

Maybe I didn't know other people cared too.