1. 

you don't ask for my heart (that hurts) and some parts of me don't want you to be the one (that hurts, again), and i'm so deadly mad at myself for thinking if i could, i would end the feelings right away. i'm so terrified of love ever since my first puppy crush (that was years ago). i didn't know what to do with it and decided to go straight with the feelings. i got hurt, hehe. i still remembered he promised to take me out to ice-cream. he didn't. the second puppy crush messed with my head for six months straight. i tried to stay rational (which is one of the traits i believe i get a hold of it most of the time), but every time he called my name, i felt like dying. i got hurt, once again. one year after the last time he called my name, we talked again, just a small chit-chat on the internet. it wasn't even "talking". he said "i'm sorry", and i asked him "why?", he said that again, and i stopped asking for the reason. i wondered if he ever thought about the last time we chatted, and he meant he was sorry for that.

i don't think he is. whatever.

it's never getting easy, it'll never be. i lay my heart bare for a stranger unintentionally and i pray they don't break my heart. but love will, it's just a matter of time.

08/06/21

2. 

there's this new (yet familiar) feeling that keeps visiting me these days. i feel light-hearted when i look at someone, when our eyes met and he turned away real fast, when he laughed and his ears were flushed red, when he said "thank you" through the headset, when he looked straight into my eyes and i suppressed the urge to turn away.

if there's one thing i have learned from all of my puppy crushes, it must be: "either i run away from my problems or i get stuck with the idea of them in my head and end up hating them at some points". it's complicated and i didn't mean to break it down, i just hate that i fall for false hopes nonetheless.

(i wonder how many times i have to go through this before i stop believing i can love and be loved anymore hehe

still i wish you all the best, you kind human being, now i feel the song that has your name as the title is haunting me)

see, you're gentle baby

i couldn't stay, i'd only bring you pain

22/12/21

3.

time, mystical time

cutting me open, then healing me fine

were there clues i didn't see?

and isn't it just so pretty to think

all along there was some

invisible string

tying you to me?

hôm nọ (hay là hôm kia nhỉ?) invisible strings được phát trong quán mình làm. mình tựa người vào góc, nhìn bạn. tất cả những gì mình nhìn thấy là bóng lưng của bạn.

mình muốn nói "hey, this is one of my favorite songs" nhưng mình dằn lại. mình biết nói gì sau đó đây? rằng "this song is romantic" hay "this makes me realize all relationships are determined to meet in a way"? mọi thứ bỗng trở nên quá chật hẹp và ngôn từ mất đi sức nặng của chúng. mình yên lặng không nói gì. bạn quay lại nhìn vào mắt mình.

có những lúc chúng mình giữ eye contact trong vòng vài giây, bạn hỏi mình muốn nói gì sao. mình lặng lẽ lắc đầu.

mình chỉ muốn nói là mình muốn cắt đứng invisible strings với bạn bằng một cách nào đó, dẫu điều đó có dày vò mình. mình không muốn lún sâu vào một thứ sẽ không có kết cục.

(và mình cũng muốn bảo bạn là mắt bạn đẹp lắm. mình thực sự đã chìm trước khi mình nhận ra rồi.)

11/01/22