Feud
(n.) a prolonged and bitter quarrel or dispute

Lying on the moss pile in the nursery, Citrinemoon sank in a deep breath as she tried to doze off into a peaceful dream. She could feel the warmth from the small kit cuddling her, the small paws keeping her close. She could see the faint outline of Sparrowkit in the dark as she pictured the cute image in her mind fondly.

She loved the outgoing and funny side of him during the daylight. He surely had inherited Pecanlight's fun-loving personality, with that big, silly smile which always brightened up her day. Apart from his personality, he got her beloved mate's appearance as well, with that charming brown coloured fur of his. She felt like he was her sunshine which never failed to make her smile even on a rainy day. The next day, he would finally become an apprentice.

"I want to become a great warrior like you when I grow up!" Sparrowkit leaned against her as leaves whispered under their paws gently. She could feel the soft fur of her precious kit against her body, taking in the warmth that he provided. The fawn she-cat buried her head in his soft fur, her voice muffled as she asked with a hint of smile, "You want to?"

"Yes!" The small tom chattered eagerly, "I want to fight for ShadowClan and send all the bad cats flying! I want to protect you if they want to hurt you. You said that dad died as a brave warrior, right? Well I want to be a brave warrior as well!"

Citrinemoon lifted her head and looked into his determined eyes, her heart melting. At the same time, she was worried about his safety. Every cat that was important in her life had left her and he was the only one who was still there.

"Promise me to stay safe, alright?" She asked, needing the promise to make her feel better. She could not imagine how much pain she would feel at the thought of losing him and she preferred not to think about it.

Closing her eyes, her messy thoughts started to linger in her head as she closed her eyes, trying to escape from everything that she was afraid of. Annoyed and frustrated, she waved the thought away with her imaginary paws. However, the thoughts soon gathered together on a larger scale again like flies around corpses, buzzing in her head.

She swore, her problems were most likely holding some sort of grudges against her. They took away the peace that she sought for and made the long nights awful for her. After adjusting her position in the moss, she inhaled deeply in an attempt to clear her mind and closed her eyes again.

The world in her head slowly descended into darkness. As her consciousness was about to drift into the dark void, a firm push dragged her out of the darkness. Instantly wide awake, she opened her eyes and glanced around the nursery alarmingly, ready to tackle whoever dared set their paws on Sparrowkit.

"Relax, Citrinemoon. It's me."

"Wait... Lapwingstar?"

"Yes. Can I talk to you for a while?"

Citrinemoon nodded slowly in the dark. It must have been something quite important if the leader decided to talk in the middle of the night. She stood up from the pile of moss and paddled towards the exit of the den with sleepy eyes.

The tall and muscular tom was waiting for her. His white pelt flashed slightly under the dim moonlight and the black spots on his back blended in the dark.

Lapwingstar's eyes lit up with recognition as they stayed on Citrinemoon's features. Looking away after a heartbeat, he dipped his head slightly without meeting her eyes.

He glanced around nervously, his tone unsure as he spoke up, "Citrinemoon, I completely understand why you decided not to help Mistlekit. What happened to your mate surely broke your heart, but you should not put so much attention on-"

"Everyone had been telling me that Pecanlight didn't deserve my attention. But do you really know him? Do you know how much he means to me?"

"Of course I do. Sorry, Citrinemoon. I don't really mean it like that but-"

"What else do you have to say? Every cat says that things don't matter after they have ruined my life for me. Do you truly think that they don't matter? Do you think Pecanlight doesn't matter? He was my world and they," The deputy took a deep breath as she sent a sharp glance towards Doeheart and Mistlekit, who were sleeping peacefully in the den, "took away my entire world."

Lapwingstar was about to remind the desperate deputy of something, but controlled himself before the sharp words could make it out of his mouth. Reality was harsh, and Citrinemoon had already had life in a bad, if not the worst way possible.

He was honestly concerned about how the fawn she-cat had been handling the loss of her mate. Her eyes were narrowed and filled with rage as her sharp words cut through the air. He had never heard a sentence said with so much desperation that it shocked him.

He allowed Citrinemoon to take a few deep breaths before he replied, "But the warrior code said that one must help a kit in need and this is definitely a situation when a kit needs you. Do you remember how Jasminefall brought you up? She was following the warrior code and helping a kit in need."

Citrinemoon's eyes were widened instantly as the words hit her like a sharp blow. She inhaled deeply as she asked, "Are you saying that she thought it was a responsibility to bring me up? Bringing me up was a duty to her? She did not love me and she simply did it because it was what the warrior's code said?"

"No, I don't mean it like that-"

"Yes, yes you do. Lapwingstar, you think the warrior's code is the most important thing out of all? Every single cat out there cares about the warrior code and only helps a kit in need because it says so. I see." Citrinemoon exclaimed as she made sure that her voice was not trembling. Every time that she felt like Lapwingstar, as her childhood best friend, would have understood her more, he would remind her of the stupid warrior code.

Was her feelings and her thoughts nothing compared to the code?

"Listen, listen. Let me speak. The thing is, Citrinemoon, sometimes things are not just about the warrior's codes. Sometimes, cats are not tied together because they share the same blood. Yes, blood is thicker than water. However, a drip of water filled with genuine love and care can always keep you together during the hardest times." He took a deep breath and proceeded, "She genuinely loves and cares for you. She even asked Pecanlight and me to play with you so you will not be excluded-"

"Wait... are you telling me that you two are friends with me just because Jasminefall told you two to?" Citrinemoon shivered at the thought of her childhood best friends who made her forget about everything that happened to her... were willing to play with her when they were... told.

The beautiful memories of them playing together as kits were those who made her life less unbearable. The memories of two confident, playful and outgoing toms with a she-kit who was scarred by life at a young age, having fun together under a warm afternoon sun.

She naively thought that they accepted and loved her for who she was. She naively thought that she could be a part of this clan, becoming a she-cat that toms drooled over and being loved by every cat.

Pecanlight did... He loved you...

Not anymore. She lost him.

Lapwingstar was calling her name in the dark, but nothing could stop her paws from moving towards the den.

She wanted an escape. The reality was too hard to face. In the dark, feeling her own fur brushing against her, she was truly alone.

Was it a joke for them to toy with her, making her feel special just to break her heart later? She remembered how the toms tried their best to make her laugh after an unpleasant day. The genuine laughs and tight embraces warmed her heart. It made her feel safe. It made her feel belonged...

Things changed, did they? When the truth unfolded, destiny was there to pour icy cold water all over her. The warmness was gone. Only the feeling of emptiness was left in her heart. Now that she knew the truth, her heart ached. She knew all along that she could never belong... but a she-cat could choose not to break that little fantasy, right?

Stop dreaming about a happy life. That didn't belong to you.

Lapwingstar watched as the she-cat, who he had known since when he was young, ignored his calls and walked into the nursery. He could see, from how her body was stiffened and hardened, that she was trying to keep herself together.

He wondered how he could never seem to say something right to his childhood best friend, or maybe something more than that. He was sure that the deputy had been hurt too deep by her loss, somehow choosing to ignore some part of the reality. The tall tom knew that every single word of his had left a deep impact in her heart, in a negative way, and he never wanted himself to be the one that harmed her. No way.

He never intended to make things happen that way. He thought he could mend her heart, but clearly, he overestimated his power every time. She seemed so near but out of reach with her cold glance and bad temper which kept every cat away... but deep down, he knew she cared too much. She still cared even after being hurt too much.

Maybe... there was a way that he could possibly mend his actions. The next day would be the day when Sparrowkit became an apprentice... and he knew exactly what to do.