"arcade," duncan laurence

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A broken heart is all that's left

I'm still fixing all the cracks

The cool feel of the doorknob only brought me regret. Though my fingers wrapped around it so effortlessly, I couldn't drown out the cries and calls behind me. My knuckles turned white from the force of my grip while I fought back tears. It felt so foreign -- so much more different than the warmth I was used to.

The warmth of his hand, so effortlessly wrapped around mine.

I convinced myself that I was over him a long time ago. The nights I cried to myself until no tears would come out, throat haggard and longing for the sweet satisfaction water brought were just too much. I said it had to stop, that I'd had enough. But I knew, somewhere deep inside that it wasn't true. I was too susceptible to his tricks, his lies and cowardice. Every single time when I confronted him, he rushed to run and give me chocolate and roses, hoping that I'd forgive him.

Like a fool, I did. I embraced him with open arms and we'd kiss each other silly. My face would be bright red, flushed with adoration. All you could see in my eyes was pure, unadulterated love.

Then the next day he was back with another.

Lost a couple of pieces when

I carried it, carried it, carried it home

"Please," Zenitsu sobbed, "Don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I'm nothing without you." I wheeled around, tears streaming down my face, unable to hold it back. Everywhere hurt. Everywhere ached as I trembled in fury. My hand let go of the door handle, the other still clutching tight onto my suitcase.

"Can't you see how much you're hurting me?" I shouted, stomping my feet against the ground, "Every single damn day, I'd break for you. I'd bend my back, crush my spine, and bleed until I die! But you don't give a fuck do you, Zentisu?" His eyes widened in surprise, not expecting the sudden outburst. I could tell he wasn't blind enough to not see mournful dullness in my irises.

"I have to make a three hour commute to go to work, then come back to see you! You groan and moan when I arrive at eight, saying, 'You're too late, why aren't you ever on time to make dinner? I'm hungry!' Then, when you come to your house at three in the fucking morning, and I ask where you were, you mumble a shitty 'I'm tired,' and go to sleep reeking of alcohol, with lipstick stains all over your neck! Whores are all over you all the damn time!

"I'm not stupid, I've noticed, I've seen the way you act, the ways you lie, but I was willing to forgive you. Not because you gave me gifts or showered me in lavish extremities for a day, but because I love you!" The rant ended with heavy breathing from my end, face pink in anger. It was hard to yell without breaking down in sobs, but I continued, trying to remain strong while tears kept running freely down my cheeks.

"I dreamed of marrying, having kids, and you knew that! You spewed empty promises, and I was willing to give you a chance because of your words! You might as well become an actor, because it sure convinced me! It convinced everybody! My mom, Tanjiro, even Inosuke asked when you were going to propose!

"You were so important. I placed you before even myself, I brought home food for you. I paid your rent when you didn't have the money, I paid for clothes, shoes, everything and anything! In return, I get dirt thrown in my face and a couple of shitty dollar-store chocolate boxes. Big deal, huh?" The venom in my voice was finally starting to show as I calmed down, regaining control of my thoughts.

I could see the fear in Zenitsu's eyes, I could feel the helplessness that welled up in him as he sat on the floor, bawling. Silently cursing at the sight, I felt my chest pang, the urge to go and comfort him coming up. I fought it down, knowing now that it wouldn't do any good.

"I'm tired of this. I'm tired of us." I felt like it hurt me more than him.

Did he really love me at some point? It felt like he did. My heart wrenched at the memories of us. We used to go on dates, run movie marathons together, sleep together with our bodies intertwined. When I was with him, I was the happiest. He was my salvation -- he was all that was good in the world.

I missed the feeling of running my fingers through his hair, touching soft locks and breathing in the scent of his faint cologne. Longing for his warmth was all I knew for the past month as we drifted further and further apart. I only saw cold eyes, disregarding me. But I still missed him. I missed the boy I fell for.

Did we think the same? Did he miss me?

Would he go back to the others after I left him?

I'm afraid of all I am

My mind feels like a foreign land

Shaking my head, I turned back to face the looming door. This wasn't the time to miss him. He was going to be gone from my life as soon as I went out of his apartment. With a trembling hand, I latched onto the doorknob again, turning it slowly. My arm felt like lead, muscles transforming into stone.

Soon, my grip fell slack and the handle popped back into place. Frustrated with myself, I tried again, but the same thing happened. I attempted at leaving once more, but I couldn't. My feet were stuck to the ground, unwilling to move.

Underneath all the anger, pain, sadness was a feeling that I kept to myself, in hopes of it disappearing completely one day.

Fear.

I was scared. Scared that I might make the wrong decision. Devils whispered in my ear to stay, to give him another chance.

He will prove himself. He'll stay loyal. You're making the wrong decision. No one else will ever love you. You stuck with him because you know no one else will ever love you.

With a flourish, I flung open the door, a light breeze rustling my hair, blowing it behind my ears. Not missing a beat, I tugged my suitcase behind me and started to walk out.

"Have anything to say, Agatsuma?" Zenitsu flinched when I called him by his last name, but remained quiet. I looked down on him pitifully, the glimmer of tears long gone by now. Scoffing, I let go of the door, letting it slowly close behind me.

There were no last words. Just a break.

Silence ringing inside my head

Please, carry me, carry me, carry me home

I needed one.