modern au, out of character genya

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"I was fine, Genya. I was fine." A thick layer of tension settled in the small studio apartment as Genya and I stood in silence once more. He'd come crawling back again for another chance after I told him I was done. He'd messed up one too many times, and I'd been a fool for letting that crush me.

"Please, I'm begging you, (Y/N), please." I was on the verge of spontaneously combusting as memories came flooding back -- memories of him and me, happy together. But despite all the trauma, I just shook my head, a hand pinching the bridge of my nose, eyes screwed shut.

"Look, I came here to get my stuff, not be a part of your shitty pity-party, okay?" I hissed, "Now give me back my things, so I can leave." His eyes showed desperation, hungry for any remotely positive response from me. So far, that hadn't been attained yet. His pupils shook with anxiety, buzzing around like annoying flies in the middle of a dark room.

"I need you in my life again. We can be happier together, I swear!-" My ex's speech was cut off by a loud sigh from me as I shook my head yet again, resisting the urge to slap myself to death right then and there. I couldn't stand him when he was like this. He wasn't Genya at the moment, just some tired loser without a romantic partner.

"I was doing fine. Really, and then you invite me back here like you didn't break my heart three times already." To this, there was nothing to say. Both of us knew it was true. While we were in a relationship, he'd had three flings, all with different people. I was too naive at the time to realize that he was cheating, and when I found out, I stupidly gave him many, many chances to prove himself. 

None of them redeemed him, unfortunately.

Genya ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the long black mohawk he adorned so proudly on his head.

"Look, it wasn't my fault, they forced themselves-" 

"Oh my God, quit the bullshit already." At this point, I was getting tired of his excuses. It was always someone else's fault. He didn't do the dishes? My fault for forgetting to remind him. Cheated on me? Always the other person's fault. He had a traumatic past, and that's mostly why I gave him so many chances. I really did want him to change -- I loved him and only wanted the best for him. But his constant nagging and shifting the blame onto others was too much for me.

"Look, (Y/N), I'm telling you, I-"

"I know the truth," I said calmly, trying to keep my voice level with him, "I know everything." The look of horror in his eyes said it all. For once, he actually looked scared, vulnerable, like the tiniest tip of my hand would knock him over and crack his skull open.

"No-" He faltered once more, trembling. "You can't leave me alone-" Small, breathy gasps rose and fell out of his chest, and beads of sweat started to coat his forehead. I didn't want to push him further, as I knew he was at risk of fainting, and let him cool down as my own misery brewed in my heart. It took ten minutes for Genya to calm down, and ten minutes for to just stand and do nothing.

"Are you alright?" I gently murmured, eyebrows creasing when remembering his past, "Take as much time as you need." Knowing that he had PTSD about certain things, as he and his brother the only ones surviving out of all his family who had passed. Though he never told me how, I tried my best to not trigger him under stress. Even though he'd done horrible things to me in our relationship, I still respected him as a human being. 

"Look, Genya." He lifted his teary eyes and I couldn't keep staring into them. There were too many heartbroken memories held in them, and I wouldn't bear the weight of something he had to deal with on his own. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I hesitated, trying to decide whether or not to do this.

"I know that you have a lot of things to deal with, and I know that the things you've encountered in your life aren't under the most fortunate circumstances. You may need somebody, anybody to be with you, and I get it. But sometimes I think you're not emotionally mature yet to hold a true relationship. I'll be there to support you when you're feeling down, or when you need someone, but we just... can't keep doing this.

"For now, we'll make a compromise. I-I really love you. I do. But the way you act tears us both apart, and right now, it's not good for... you and me." I paused, trying to reconsider my words. 

There was no us. There never was. I was just an excuse for him to feel wanted again, to feel like someone cared for him when he didn't care for me. All this time I'd hoped that my love would get to him, that it would touch his bitter soul and sweeten his heart.

Alas, the universe didn't work like that. At the end of the day, Genya was Genya, and he never stuck to one person -- he just leeched off of the people who would give him that high of being wanted. The word "forever" meant nothing to him, as he didn't believe in it.

Nothing lasts forever. It's only temporary, he once said to me. At the moment, I didn't believe it. But right now, I was started to open up to that idea. If he used me, I didn't know how. I thought we were genuinely happy together, going on cute dates, strolling through parks, kissing under the dim LED lights in his room. I should've known when I tasted someone else on his lips.

"You deserve so much better." The room was muted, the tension of quietness falling upon the space like a light layer of snow -- delicate, yet demanding. Picking up the energy to speak again, I somehow got over the betrayal of my own silence and spoke, voice gurgling from the sadness.

"I know."