manga spoilers!

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Things would be better off if I died.

It was a peaceful evening, one that I should've spent with friends, chatting happily and enjoying each others' presences. But unfortunately, that night I was only reminded of the words uttered out of Giyuu's mouth. Reminders of the heart-wrenching phrase flooded my mind as I sat alone in the middle of my room. 

The world seemed to stop and fade away as my ears heard what he said. I could feel my insides soften, turning to jelly and my heart shatter, its hard, broken pieces melting inside the magma churning in the pit of my stomach. My vision blurred as I tried to recollect my rational self and weakly piece it back together again. I didn't remember what we were talking about, but I fled the scene soon after, promptly ending the discussion. 

Presently, my legs were neatly folded underneath me, and my hands rested on my lap, fingers curled, tightly grasping the cloth of my uniform in them. My curtains were drawn, not even letting the faintest rays of the sunset shine into the dark, cold space. I wanted to enjoy the pink-colored sky, living happily under a golden day, but I decided I was too miserable to. My sadness would only ruin the mood. I could hear the faint echoes of laughter as my comrades practiced their moves joyfully in the courtyard.

My chest squeezed as my emotions took over, resolve crumbling into ashes.  

The tears didn't come immediately, but they emerged slowly, bubbling from my eyes and dripping down the sides of my face, landing onto the ground with tiny splashes. Why did it hurt me more than it seemed to hurt him? The Water Pillar just admitted that him dying wouldn't only be inconsequential, it might even bring benefits along with it. His words were like ropes, wrapping around my neck and squeezing every breath out of my lungs. 

Cursing silently, I hid my face behind my hands as I quietly sobbed, breaths heaving my chest up and down while my body shook. I wanted to smash the ground into dust, screaming and shouting at Giyuu while I did. I knew his story, I knew his background, but why did he have to be so goddamn selfish all the time?

He doesn't realize that there are people who care for him, who love him, who would even die for him. Maybe he thinks that the world is so pitted against him, it'd lessen its pressure on the people closest to him if he passed on from the universe, into the holy hands of heaven. But that just wasn't reality, I would even go as far to say the opposite would happen.

He was fearless most of the time. Brave, courageous, always ready for action and always keeping his calm in the midst of a fight. Giyuu was strong, stronger than most of those I've seen. But he always talked about Sabito, how he didn't deserve to die. Sabito was stronger than the ravenette, maybe even some of the other pillars, but perished in the final exam. 

I missed him too. 

However, two wrongs can't make a right. 

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that Tomioka would go out of his way to say something so gut-wrenching as this. If he deserved to die, what about the rest of us? What about the demon slayers underneath us? If the world was better off without him just because he thought he was weak, would the others pass away too?

Hopelessly, I thought to myself, without the intention of my thoughts ever reaching Giyuu. 

It's our job to protect those in need. Sabito was an amazing fighter -- skilled, willing to put others before himself, and an incredible friend. In the end, he died protecting you. He fulfilled his duty as a demon slayer, honorably so. 

But your job isn't done yet. You're still alive, and you have to keep fighting, and trying until the day we see the fall of Muzan. To abandon your post, to submit yourself to something the Devil whispers in your ear is what I call cowardice. Muzan beckons all of us to our deathbed, urging us to lay down in coffins so he can seal it shut. You put shame onto the title you hold by offering to sprint to your grave. 

Sabito's spirit watches over every single one of us, placing blessings on our hearts, wishing us the best of luck in our struggle against demons. If he were alive right now, I'd imagine he'd be scolding you and knocking your head against his because of your foolishness. 

As for me, my personality limits me to weeping. It's horrible, I know, but as hopeless as I may be, I want what's best for you. I want everything that's good to come your way and sweep you off your feet. For the heavy tears I shed, I want you to know that your life is precious.

Giyuu, you yourself are precious to me. I don't want to lose you.

Just as the sun rises again and again each passing day, I want to see your face along with that sunrise. I never want to look at cold, lifeless eyes with their glimmer stripped away. You have a passion. A ferocious passion, like a stream that never stops flowing. It's something that I envy you for. 

So don't forsake our future with your childish panders. Please.

My restlessness settled as I heard a knock on my sliding door. Mumbling curses, I wiped my face, hoping that the darkness of the night would be enough to screw up someone's perception of my red, puffy eyes. Getting up, I took a deep breath, preparing to receive whoever was coming at this time.

The door opened and a candle's light illuminated the dark room. 

Giyuu.

We both stared at each other for a moment, lost in time. Seeing his face reminded me of the never ending torment held in his declaration of death. My lower lip trembled, face contorting into an expression that signified my sadness.

"(Y/N)..." he finally murmured, almost speechless, "What happened?" A small whimper came out of the base of my throat as I gazed into his dull eyes, ridden with pain and terror. I could feel his soul screaming at me to be avenged, his gaze shockingly piercing, despite the situation. Between hiccups, I managed a reply to his question.

"I don't wanna see you die," I softly cried, using the back of my hand to try and smear away my fresh tears, "I don't wanna see you die." I repeated the phrase until I had no energy left to say anything. I just sobbed in front of the Water Pillar, helplessly trembling.

I heard Giyuu set down the candle, then strong arms wrapped around me, pulling my body into an embrace. A gentle sigh reverberated from Giyuu, and my sobs were the only thing that filled the room. The warmth comforted me, my cold hands clutching the fabric flayed across the demon slayer's back. A small wetness started to pool where Tomioka's chin laid on my shoulder.

"You won't see me die," he finally whispered, "You won't, I promise." It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders. My violent bawling subsided into smaller snivels, then stopped, ending in me just occasionally blinking away a tear or two.

"I'm sorry." I lifted my head to look at him, eyebrows creased in despair and disarray. "I didn't mean for you to cry like this." Coughing slightly, I took him by his shoulders and smiled weakly.

"You don't need to apologize, Giyuu. You just have to live. Please." I could finally see remorse break through his pained state as Tomioka slowly collapsed into my arms, releasing all the pent-up emotions he'd been bottling up for so long.

Patting his back, we spent the rest of the night talking and reflecting off of each other, in hopes of fixing everything. Worthless shouldn't have been something that Giyuu would use to describe himself as, and I berated myself for not realizing the self-loathing this boy held to himself earlier. But I believed that this talk together would, in turn, make us better people, so we could battle together fearlessly, with a stronger bond.

We would be able to protect others without hesitation.

Possibly even like Sabito used to.