"No matter how close a fiction to reality, it's always rare to be true. And it also means never, to you."

He wondered that quote for a while. It brings him new horizons, and also with the unpleasant tingling going down to his subconscious. Since last week that he really losing control of his mind, if not because his god damn ex-boyfriend hadn't begged him to stay. Too many things going on, he can not describe them clearly just by words neither actions, it feels like he is burning his own house down, burning hot along with his cruelest persona start to prevail and then fall, which looks like fireworks in New Year's Eve.

If fireworks even have a mouth, those crackling sounds would be their scream. And they have always spoken for him.

Sometimes it quite unpleasant and hurt, sometimes it doesn't. Not that kind of pain like being torture, but it's like standing under the hot of spring. He just got that feeling, when it is the aftermath of somewhat a terrible disaster, or just a emotional intervention really went wrong, he may called - which is concluded by just a word as "guilt". Why did he choose to be rough? Why to end it in a way that damaged someone that he always tried to please, even it takes quite an effort. He can't even feel it anymore, he even can't grasp the concept of love. What does it mean to be in love? What is the signs of someone who is ready to give their wholehearted to someone they trust? He doesn't know, neither asking what others understand about that topic. He's just not interested in it, anymore.

His own perception was only came from books and years of trying to fit with people, but that task was too hard, no one truly met his needs or trust. Most of the time, they are just on surface so he can make small chats and sometimes joking around despite who cares about that, he is always being his own audience.

But when those fiction comes in to cure what had been lost when that practice not really went well.

He knows what a perfect love looks like to him. Then he enjoy the comfort it gives, the sweetness he couldn't find nowhere else, now it's inside his brain like a 3 hours film, or even a sitcom series, or maybe both. It feels so good to be in it, more than the aromas of smokes and beers, that he finds not really interested.

Seeking refuges.

But he was wrong, or maybe he hasn't met the right one. What he got in his head are just false hope, and expectation which has lying on the unfit one. The love he has imagined and craving so bad, only given the feelings of betrayal and burdened. Why it has to be lots of work, why he had to carry on all of those responsibilities only, just for that other one to feel pleased, and enjoy the time talking to his friends instead of talking to him. He apologize, but him in this side, haven't expected much him to improve, so he just simply let it get away.

There're times when "It's okay." means " I don't even care about it anymore."

And he means it. Sometimes between the lines, sometimes don't. But it seems that he doesn't even have a heart to understand, or even care what all of those means. he just cares about what's really on the surface, and ignoring the deeper meaning of things. Maybe his perspective is not fit, maybe the values he brings does not satisfy him, or maybe it just not that time when he's still brimming with enthusiast and ready to bring on the best of him can do. It's all over, since the last time he ever hope he understand the true beauty of his own creations, show his great ego and pride only to the one he truly cares.

But he didn't. Not even half of what he was waited for.

What is the point of trying to heat up someone when they are already someone else to do that? It's his friends, they are far too smart, too great for him. Maybe it's just simply that he is too busy to say hello at the morning, maybe he's just too stressful at studying so he put everything on you, maybe he's just doesn't let his notification on so he didn't know he did messages and waited for him.

But he soon realized that he's not his first priority, not even the second or third, not even a chance.

Disappointment? It goes like trekking up the Everest.

I'm not even mad.

The questions keeps on hitting him like bullets from a toy gun, except it's too much that he even wondered if he even so wrong at making things good that he deserves this. How could he answer all that? He's a fucking people pleaser because he wants to get off the shit easier, not like the other him who loves to involved in dramas and being the one who may kill someone from inside just by words. It just didn't feel right, and something has fucked up at the midway. It went downhill from here, he supposed. But he neither fear or easily panicked, if he did, that may not him or just the other him, who was going to blame his all of this mess.

But he glad that it did happen, so he can be free without any hard feelings. That one chosen this, anyway.

"Being the one who watched it all, usually better than being the one in it."

At least that applies on him.

The fury fire of desire to love and be loved, has gone quite a long time. He had forgotten how it feels, how it is to have someone live there, in his heart. That isn't vital, and is not necessary for survival, the presence of longing for someone who deemed fit is no more. Everyone said it is beyond helping when someone doesn't even love, or need one. But he feels good, he likes the freedom of being himself, of being the one who understand himself. He's always there, for him. He doesn't need help.

Despite all that rejection towards love, like fighting an intruder whom you might not knows its face, he still embrace the warmth of love, the brimming sun in summer, or even the cake which the nuns just baked tasted so good that he wanted to eat another one like that.

The world, and humanity itself, he thought to himself.

"Everything has it's price. In order to get something you have to lose something."

But he love it anyway.

The guilt now just fading away, like a storm just passed by.

He smiled, at the evening sky and the sun just set.

------------------

Hope you will found someone that share with your interests

Hope you will found someone that adore you more than anything

Hope you will found someone who see you like the stars

Hope you will found someone who makes you love them

More than you did

To me.