I. i've never been good at keeping self-promises.

telling myself to stop thinking about you

while unconsciously searching for you down the memory lane,

hoping to catch your shadow amongst the shimmering leaves.

i know the shapes of the back of your skull,

i know the drawl of your voice,

i know hearty shake of your laughter and the shrewd glint in your eyes.

i know a lot of things about you.

but now i realized,

perhaps i know nothing at all.

it's just in my head — little details i made up about you, a post-mortem reconstruction

to make your disappearance from my life bigger than it was.

the epiphany doesn't disturb me as much as it should.

II. we used to be friends.

i'd like to think that we're best friends.

for the sake of dramatization,

or maybe because there is a stupid part in me still believing in magic and rainbow

and sappy forever friendship.

i look back at the memories of us with tentative, detached fondness and reassurance.

for once, i was not the evil one that torched the friendship on the way out.

there was no blow out for us.

no dramatic aftermath, no crazy betrayal,

no broken promises or heart wrenching ends.

it was a quiet affair.

much like you and i.

the talking petered out and eventually snuffed by the distance and time zone differences and our mutual non-committal state,

and eventually, we slid ourselves out of the space we made in each other's life, to be replaced with something new.

we didn't break apart.

we, simply, moved on — as life intends.

III. you know,

maybe, what i'm searching for isn't you.

i'm actually looking for the remnants of the vague, warm, idle feeling of being completely alone and by myself.

like the way i gravitated toward the sun spot by the window.

seeing the ghost of you reminds me i'm capable of not destroying decent things.

it's a precious fabricated lie i want to hold on.