It is impossible to convince myself I am not lonely when I have so many things to say and no one willing to listen.

⸻

Babe,

remember the ring?

The one that you gave me

before I boarded the plane

and gone to the other side of the world.

Bringing only a part of you along

wasn't enough to fill the loneliness that followed afterward.

I don't wear the ring anymore,

it no longer fits my thumb.

It slips,

metallic cool against my skin.

Half a year,

inside my closet,

inside a case,

it stayed, undisturbed and

unremembered.

Like how the memories of you, inside my head,

glide in and out,

fading into oblivion.

I remember your river of dark black hair,

deep brown deer-like eyes,

zits on your cheeks.

Shallow features.

But I don't remember

your name,

your voice,

your smile,

your lips,

the twinkles in your eyes,

or the mocking giggly laugh,

or the quietness when I'm with you.

I had forgotten them all.

All.

⸺

I have been wondering

about our past,

about our present,

about our future.

What would make us

if I didn't sit beside you on the first day of class?

If I didn't whisper dirty jokes into your ears?

If I didn't accept to ride you home?

If I wasn't talkative and you continued keeping your mouth shut?

Would we still somehow talk and become friends?

Would I become so fond of somebody other than my own petty self?

I missed you

Everyday.

Every night.

Every lunch time.

Every once in awhile.

Sometimes I feel like weeping for myself.

Weep for my loneliness,

weep for my love.

Weep, and weep.

Because God is cruel

for giving us such a short amount of time to be together.

He took you away from me too fast.

He tore us apart too abruptly.

God didn't give me a reason to forget you without guilt.

⸺

I see others chirping and chatting with their friends,

and I look at myself

standing awkward in a cramped space,

bodies surrounding me,

strangers whom I fancy as friends.

I'd say "Goodbye"

And get no reply.

I see myself sobbing inwardly.

You would understand.

Even though

we're an ocean away

from each other.

Nobody gets me like you do.

I used to be a social butterfly,

Talking to everybody,

Hanging out with everybody.

Everybody.

But never, not once,

I feel like I belong.

Something always is amiss.

There is a gap between them and me,

that couldn't be filled with lame jokes,

or loud laughter.

And now, in this foreign land,

where eyes are unkind,

and mouths are unforgiving.

Every sentence prying past my teeth

is ridiculed with grammar errors.

Every giggle form in my throat

quickly dies from the nervousness.

For the first time,

I am powerless,

couldn't do anything to cut off the growing distance

between the world and me.

How can I take a leap of faith,

and meet people on the other side,

when I'm still too afraid to patch up the giant hole inside my chest?

⸺

I tried to befriend a girl.

A quiet one,

likes to draw,

likes anime,

a backdrop to the class,

closed,

too realistic.

Similar to you.

Even her zodiac sign is the same as yours.

A substitute

for you.

A version of yours on this new, cold country.

How pathetic is that?

It is shameful

seeking comfort from a stranger

who isn't bound to be mine.

Yet,

I refused to let her go,

even when she showed her hatred to me.

I want to convert her.

Like what I did to you,

So she would talk to me

Get me

Become a friend with me.

I want to recreate fate's magic,

and will a soulmate into existence

through sheer hope and frustration.

A sketchy plan

doomed to fail.

But I can't give up

because at the very least,

maybe,

she would somehow be able to heal my wound.

She couldn't.

She didn't even try to help me like you would.

Not that she could recreate you anyway.

⸺

I thought about our childish promise.

I would settle in Canada,

and you would come to learn in the US.

And together, we reunite.

It is possible,

but not realistic at all.

We know that well.

Even when we said the words,

We knew it wouldn't be true.

But I am looking forward to it

In vain.

In desperation.

The naive wish saves me

It is a future I crave:

To be with you, again.

For our friendship to reconnect.

A dream I keep close to my heart

as a lifesaver

amidst the chaos of this new life.

I wonder

Do you feel like me too?

Do you miss me too?

As much as I miss you.

⸻

written: circa 2015-2016

revised: 2021