I've always been a strong kid

Still learning how to take it rough and blunt.

I'm still hopeful for happiness I can't attain,

And yearning for things I can't have.

Still chasing after pipe dreams,

And singing about the unformed future.

I'm still mending a tattered past,

And reconciling with the ugly chips on my shoulders.

Still filling up the hollow spot between my rib cages,

And nurturing the bright days I woke up to.

I'm still tasting something bitter at the back of my throat every time I thought about the present,

Still waiting for something to change,

Still good at running away and pretending to be blind,

Still good at solving problems that are not mine.

I'm still carving my heart out and serving it up to somebody else's mercy, just to see if I can take the pain.

I'm still crying about the stupid mistakes I made,

Still thinking how sweet words make me stupidly sad because I don't think I deserve those sincere, precious love.

I'm still forcing myself to overthink,

Still making myself overanalyze,

Still anticipating karma to catch up,

Still praying death will come sound and easy.

I'm still willing myself to be strong, some day,

               Be strong for myself,

               Be strong for others.

I'm still willing myself to not cry,

               Even though there are nights when crying is all I want to do because the world is suddenly falling apart and I can't sew everything back together in the right place.

I'm still willing myself to be kind,

               Because kindness isn't weakness,

               But it means opening myself to strangers.

I've always been a strong kid,

Still growing up as we're speaking,

Still learning how to be better,

Still haven't broken out of my safety bubble.

I'm still not proud of who I am or what I have done,

Still not ready to talk about most of it,

But it's alright. I'm getting there.