YOU KNOW ME WELL

01

YOU KNOW I'VE ALWAYS BEEN

You know I've always been a hypocrite.

I love too fast,

Form too many connections,

Dream too many futures,

Just within a second meeting you.

Yet, I fear someone else would do the same.

I'm not OK with the connections being reciprocate,

I'm not OK with the futures I conjure up are met half-way

I'm not OK with the people I just met also thought about destiny and fate.

You know I've always been a contradictor.

I want to touch you,

To kiss you,

To hug you,

To cuddle to love to please.

But when you touch me, I snap.

But when you kiss me, I slap you away.

When you put an arm around my shoulder, I shrug it off.

When you encircle me to your chest, I squirm away.

When you try to love me, I turn and run.

The aspect of love,

Of connections,

Of strings and attachments and feelings

Make me scared. Frightened.

The domestic warmth sends dread to my stomach.

I'm used to one-way street.

I'm used to chasing something for infinite, never thinking about the end.

When the end comes, I turn around and retrace my steps.

Always running. Always going.

Never loving.

Never stay.

You know I've always been emotionally fucked up.

Not because my mind is traumatized by some childhood bullshit, it's just my emotion is lacking.

Too insensitive -- your word, not mine.

A child in an adult body.

A child that craves attention and beams when you give me some.

A child that cries when things go wrong and deadlines are near and doesn't know how to fix things because all I know is to break things.

A child that uses anger like a currency for everything she wants.

A child that is selfish.

That is awkward.

That loves you and didn't really know how to express it so that she would still come out cool.

You cry on my shoulders, and instead of drawing you in and sooth you out

I ask you to recount the story and point out what you could have done better. What I would have done. I keep saying You're stupid and you yell at me for not caring

And I keep saying helplessly amidst your angry scream, But I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Aren't you supposed to solve the problem? I'm helping you solving the problem. Would you like some food, instead?

Or, sometimes, you would be sick and I wouldn't know or ask about until you collapse at work. I would pass on the medicine, look at you, hover, but eventually go back to what I was doing. When you got well, your eyes would be hollow and you would look at me with a disappointed look and I was a child again.

Crying because all I know is how to break things.

02

YOU KNOW I'VE NEVER SAY YES

You know, I've never say yes

When you ask me to go out.

I laugh and I swat you in the face and

Saunter away.

Yet, here we are.

Living in the same place like a couple.

I still don't know what you see in me.

I still don't know what you see in us.

But I still think of you as friends but a bit higher,

Though not lovers,

Even though we fucked and all.

I keep saying it, over and over again.

Especially after we had sex.

Sometimes, you would hum and bury your face in my hair.

Other times, you would roll off the bed and goes outside for a bit.

Most of the times, you would snap, and say, Friends don't fuck each other.

And I would say, We're friends-with-benefit.

And you would look like you either want to strangle me alive

Or break down and cry.

Don't cry, I would say, I won't comfort you.

You would, anyway.

We wouldn't touch each other for a few weeks after.

You know, I've never say yes

When you promised you would fix me.

I'm pretty sure I said, God failed, what makes you think you can? Even God wouldn't know how to fix one if he didn't have all the pieces.

You vowed you would collect all the pieces

Like memories, and solve the puzzle that was me.

I had smiled.

Once, when you caught me biking out, drenched from the rain, frustrated at a failed Arts project,

You failed to coax me inside the passenger side and ended up rolling along the road, shadowing me.

Later, while you silently helped me gathered the pieces I smashed the sculpture into, during the fit of rage,

The sculpture you helped me shaped and coloured and nurtured for a whole week,

As you tediously tried to swept the floor cracks cleaned of the dust

I wonder how far had you fixed me.

Or had you fixed me at all?

You know, I've never say yes

To anything you ask.

To anything you demand.

To you. To everything of us.

I've never say yes.

I didn't exactly means No, because I enjoy your company, too.

Though, when I explained it to you, you don't get it.

You don't know the wide gap between the Yes and the No.

You don't understand the feeling of uncertainty toward something that was as strong as the feeling of wanting it.

To you, things are black and white.

To me, things are also black and white. Except, if it evolves emotions.

Then there'll be a lot of gray.

Vast fields of gray, of perdition.

I love you, I think.

But I could never be sure who are you really

What do you want from me

Why do you want me, out of others

How long are you going to stay

How long are you going to tolerate

How long before you realize I'm not the right one

How long before you stop trying to understand my confusion

How long before you finally sick of my indecision toward us?

03

YOU KNOW THIS WILL END

You know me too well.

You know me enough to know

This will end.

And I will be the one who ends it

Who breaks your heart

Who turns and runs for being a coward at love.

Despite loving you, despite wanting to feel your warmth and your hesitation and your care

and your suppressed want and lust.

You know this will end

The days of confusion for you are over.

The days of waiting for the food to grow cold.

The days of random tantrum and coffee spills on your work proposals.

The days when I wouldn't be there, biking down the road and breaking your hard-works.

The days of us had end.

You know this will end

Yet you still cry and beg at the empty space I left.

You know this will end

Yet you plead me to stay.

You know this will end

Yet you keep saying You love me so much, pleasepleaseplease.

You know this will end. Don't hold on.