(Heavily Requested)

i'm such a bad author

i'm such a bad author

i'm such a bad author -!

i left y'all hanging for SUCH A LONG TIME I STG

i'm super sorry and i promise i'll write more soon :')))

please bear with me! i'm busy at the moment and haven't had time to update, but i will soon!!!

love you guys for being so patient :')

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There were times that I only felt lovesick, or just heartache. Quiet times in space where the only thing I would be able to focus my dull eyes on were him. There were always days where I couldn't focus, where I'd lay in my room and played music that reminded me of everything that I felt. Sometimes I even wrote songs for him. I wrote countless ballads and love songs for him. But none of them were good enough. None of them until I composed "Petunia."

It was a song in which I could really imagine who I was singing to. I could know how I really felt for the first time. It hit me like a stack of bricks in the head. I'd actually never known what a petunia flower looked like. But somehow it just fit. Delicate purple petals, strong stalk, tiny leaves with a bold exterior...

Once I'd imagined it, though, my heart began to hurt and I started coughing.

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This was the fifth day where I couldn't eat anything. I don't think anyone has noticed, since normally I eat at irregular times of the day, not with everyone else. But I'm sure they soon will begin to see my appearance differ. The fifth day, and I can already see the faint outline of my ribs. My cheeks are beginning to slope in, making my face appear gaunt and unhealthy. My skin is now the usual tone, but a bit gray.

Looking in the mirror, I used my index and thumb, gagging, to pick a stray petal out of my throat. Petunia flowers filled the sink and overflowed the toilet, creating this garden within my private bathroom. It was beautiful, but still reminded me of the pain I went through every day. The pain of not having his affection, his love, his adoration. It was beautiful to see him smile. It was beautiful to see him laugh. Everything he did was beautiful.

Just like the flowers.

But the pain... only I endured.

I sighed, flushing the toilet and shoving the petals down the sink, turning on the faucet, washing my face, looking up at the mirror, pressing at my skin. I sighed again and turned off the water and dried my face. Still in my sleepwear, I went out into the commons and yawned.

Surprisingly, there was someone there. Him. Shiro. Takashi. My foot didn't even touch the ground once more as I felt another surge of petals coming up and out of my throat. I retched and gagged, slapping a hand over my mouth, dashing back to my room. Shoot, shoot, shoot, I'm not going to make it.

I couldn't hold it in anymore. In the middle of the intersection of my room and the others, I threw up petunia flowers, whole and petals, stems and leaves intertwined with each other, making colorful wreaths of sickness and disease. As flower-fields flew out of my mouth as I heaved, stomach, chest, throat burning like magma had touched the fine flesh inside, I heard a door opening and someone gasped.

Tears were leaking out of my eyes in bright purple hues as my mind screamed at my legs to carry my body out of there, but I was too weak to be able to. I stumbled a bit, trying to crawl while still seeing all purple, petals falling out of my mouth as I made tiny whimpering and gagging noises, struggling to breathe.

(Y/N)? What happened to you? I looked up in horror as I found one of my teammates staring at me in shock. I couldn't heat anything as my eyes silently begged for mercy, overflowed with the sweet nectar of a petunia flower, the vibrancy stunning, but the burn in my irises beginning to destroy my eyes.

Help me. Please, help me.

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"Why didn't you tell us before?" I sat still in my bed, eyes downcast and dull. I should have never walked into that room. I should have never gone here. If I weren't here, I'd still have a chance at actually living.

Who am I kidding?

Lance's footsteps as he approached me, setting down a cup of hot water interrupted my thoughts. Half-lidded, my pupils focused on him and his worried expression. My fingers slightly lifted as he brought his warm hand to my completely cold and numb one.

"(Y/N), you're dying. Why didn't you tell us? Tell me? I'm your best friend, for crying out loud!" he exclaimed, stammering. "I-It hurts! My best friend is dying and I didn't even know?"

"You? You talk about pain? You talk about being worried?" I snatched my hand away from his, the whole room exploding into fuzzy petunia flowers. "You meander about pain, about missing things. You run your mouth and explain to me what pain feels like? Don't joke around, Lance! I miss something that I've never even had! I spill my heart out of my mouth and jest to the thought of having something to love! I sit around all day, unable to think about the mere thought of love, before having to retch these stupidly beautiful flowers, and to feel the ridged leaves of the stalks ripping my throat apart! You talk about love, but you don't feel the impact of someone not returning it!"

Hacking out a full flower, I spat it onto my bed sheet, mouth tingling with the familiar metallic taste of blood. Lance glanced at the plant, horrified.

"I-I just didn't know. I didn't know you felt this way, (Y/N)," he murmured quietly. "Please, I was only trying to help." Fishing out another petal from my mouth, I bowed my head and let Lance just smooth my hair and straighten my clothes.

"I don't want to be like this anymore, Lance. I don't want to suffer anymore, please," I sobbed, sweet honey now dripping down my cheeks in thick blobs, staining the bedspread with a sickly yellow hue. "I don't want to die." I wiped my cheeks, the sticky substance coming off and running itself through my fingers. What was happening to me?

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I sat in silence at the table, unable to eat or drink. Thankfully, I was wearing larger clothes, so no one could look at my thinning figure. Lance had promised to keep quiet about everything and helped me ease myself. With shaking hands, I tried to pick up a spoon and scooped some of the green goop near my mouth. The metal touched my lips, then I dropped it. I cursed under my breath as the chatter around the table stopped, and everyone looked at me.

"Need help getting that?" I heard Hunk jokingly comment. I laughed airily, quietly, timidly as I slowly bent down and picked up the silverware.

"Sorry, Princess. There might be a mess," I whispered, curling and un-curling my hand into tight balls. She waved it off, still looking at me with interest.

"(Y/N)... Are you alright? You seem a bit... grey, if that's possible. Would you like some water?" I nodded, shakily taking the pitcher and pouring myself some of the beverage. Before the cup filled, I dropped the container, it landing onto the table with a splash, rolling off and breaking on the metal floor. My breaths drew short as I felt my chest squeeze with the familiar feeling of panic, scratching at my throat to be able to breathe.

The hacking started, softly, but quickly ascended into full blown retches as petals exploded from my throat, blood dripping down the corners of my mouth, nectar pooling in my eyes, turning the world into a sea of gold. My hands flew quickly over my mouth as I darted up from my seat and booked it to my room, petunias fluttering behind me as new ones came up and out of my throat like a spout.

"(Y/N)! Wait!" The whole team hurriedly rushed after me, footsteps thundering against the shining metal floor. I slammed open the door to my bathroom, the familiar smell of a garden greeting me, and the sight of blooming buds in my sink. My jaw unhinged as I retched and heaved out flowery vomit. Soft petals seemed like knives that touched the delicate tissues of my lungs, destroying my throat, ripping open my eyes. Banging on the door I'd closed behind me, everyone gave worried shouts as they attempted to burst in.

I was going to die. I was so sure.

My hands were still clutched around the bowl as the door finally gave away, falling onto the floor with a clang. Mortified gasps were heard as the paladins looked around at the honey-streaked walls, petunia flowers growing absolutely everywhere. Then they took noticed of me, trembling on the ground, face lowered in the toilet bowl where an assortment of brightly colored petals laid.

"<Hanahaki,>" Lance whispered. "I thought it was fake. When I saw them throwing up in the hallway, I knew it had to be real."

"<Why didn't you tell us?>" Shiro muttered, cradling my thin, gaunt, tiny skeleton in his arms. "<Why didn't... Why?>"

"I was afraid. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry this happened Shiro. I loved you so much." His eyes widened, then softened, tears welling up in them.

"I-If I say that I love you, will you come back?" I smiled, patting the side of his arm gently.

"I wish it was like that. I wish. Paladins aren't supposed to love, but here we are." Sighing, I looked at Allura, who was crying silently.

"Princess. I have just one favor." She nodded, listening, hands clasped gingerly over her mouth. "If you would, please remove the tumor. I don't want this to impact everyone. It's okay if my feelings are gone. The universe needs us and I don't want to become a burden."

"Are you sure?" Even when he was sad, he was beautiful. Trying my best to grin, I pressed my lips against his cheek, honey smearing just above his nose as I closed my eyes, sweet memories dripping from my eyes. It was nice. It was fun, while it lasted. The pain, I'll forget. But maybe in my dreams I'll see him the way I used to.

Sweet petunia,

Everything you do isn't for me,

Everything I want isn't for me,

It's for you, only for you,

Sweet petunia,

Purple smile, and honey-sweet eyes

I can bear the pain if I try

Just block me out,

And just turn me away,

I can suffer if you don't stay

Sweet petunia,

Forget about me

Go dance in a flower field,

Go be brave

Sweet petunia,

When I clip you off

Will you remember me the same?