the kiss list, adrian pucey
𝒋𝒂𝒏𝒖𝒂𝒓𝒚, 𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟑

chapter thirty-seven, BIRTHDAYS, BROOM WAX & BLUEBERRY MUFFINS

✧ ━━━ · ✦ · ━━━ ✧

DO YOU KNOW THAT FEELING WHEN YOU REALISE THAT NOT EVERYTHING WAS AS GOOD AS IT STARTED OUT? And your stomach is suddenly piled high with this gut-twisting feeling that it may never go back to being as good as it once was?

Bianca does. And it was not a good start to a new year.

January second consisted of staring into space, unwrapping and re-wrapping the present Bianca had made for Adrian for his birthday, and eating obscene amounts of grapes ─ all while not leaving her dorm, unless for a wee.

Adrian wasn't doing much better. He didn't even get to acknowledge that 1993 had arrived, because as the countdown began, he was busy forcing his way out of the stuffiness of the Ravenclaw common room and fleeing to the roof, where he watched the end of the firework show, by himself.

January second was uneventful as well for heartbroken Adrian. No excitement for his birthday was buzzing around inside of him ─ even if he was turning seventeen ─ and he could already tell that it was going to be a very depressing day. And not just because school was starting again, but because he would be forced into close proximity of the girl who rejected him. The most productive thing Adrian did on the day before his seventeenth, was feel sorry for himself. He didn't even listen to music. Not even MJ had the power to make him feel better.

He didn't get much sleep that night. Maybe it was the constant headache he had developed since New Years, or maybe it was the dreading thought that was eating at his brain ─ Potions was first period the next day. What a wonderful birthday gift.

Graham was snoring away as if a bug had crawled up his nose, and was causing him irritation. Cassius was a fidgeter and wouldn't keep still, so the constant sound of sheets rustling wasn't doing well for Adrian's sleeplessness. He thought about going down to the Kitchens and quickly told himself to abandon that idea ─ Bianca likes going down there too, and this time, he wouldn't be best pleased if they ran into each other because they both were having trouble getting to sleep.

Adrian decided to suck it up and stuff a pillow over his head, hoping he'd fall asleep before the sun came up.

The only thing that did make Adrian smile, was the loud cannon of confetti, shiny banner, and birthday wishes the greeted him when he woke up. Everyone had decided to join him, Cassius, and Graham in their dorm, and he was now met with five beading eyes, all peering over the edge of his bed.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATE!" They all clamoured in unison.

Adrian rubbed his eyes, put on a smile, and pushed off of his palms to sit up straight. He got some sleep after all, and now he was just waiting for his eyes to adjust to the sunlight pouring in through the curtains. Miles was holding a cake decorated with green and silver icing, and an amateur-ish molded Quaffle and Bludger made out of fondant. Terrence and Graham were blowing into party horns, adorned in bright, childish party hats. And Cassius and Marcus were holding a homemade banner across the wingspan of Adrian's bed. They may be dicks, but they at least know how to make Adrian feel better on his seventeenth birthday.

Throughout the process of opening gifts and eating cake ─ the credit has to go to Miles; that man can bake ─ Adrian had almost forgotten that the dreaded Potions lesson was drawing closer and closer with every passing second. "Almost" because it was still knawing at the back of his mind and no matter how good the Red Velvet ─ Adrian's favourite ─ sponge, the knawing wouldn't stop until that hour was done.

Walking into the classroom was probably the worst bit. The commencement of the awkward pain that was about to follow. The trudging, as slowly as he could, over to his desk, where Bianca was already silently sat. No words were shared as he sat down, no words were shared for the entire first half of the lesson.

But that didn't mean that neither of them had things to say. He wanted to greet her, and she wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday. He even had a question about their plan for the lesson and the rest of term, considering they were Potions partners. Adrian's mind was talking to himself since she wasn't going to. The number one concern and topic of interest: today's potion.

Amortentia sucks in this kind of situation. Like, seriously fucking sucky. Of all things that they could start a new term with, a love potion had to be it. And not just any love potion ─ the strongest one, that "smells different to each person, according to what attracts them". That was going to be painful. Bianca hadn't put as much thought into it as Adrian had ─ she didn't want to think about it too much and therefore swarm her mind with even more worry.

The only sound the pair of them shared was the scraping of their chairs as they got up to follow Professor Snape over to an already-brewed sample of Amortentia ─ pearly surface, steam that spirals high, and not a bubble in sight.

Bianca was quick to get away from Adrian. As soon as the Potions Master told the class to get up from their seats, she made it her mission to stand as far away from him as possible. Not because she dislikes him, but the awkwardness was going to suffocate her to death. And Bianca did not want her date of death to be Adrian's birthday. She did not want her location of death to be the dungeons of an old Scottish castle. And she would prefer her last words to not be "But apple juice doesn't have as much flavour. Orange juice is superior, in every juice-scale-ranking way. No further arguments accepted. Wanna go to Potions early?" She may be down in the dumps, but debates didn't require a good mood.

She ended up getting a spot at the front, with her best friend by her side for moral support. And to perform CPR if necessary (Leo used to volunteer at St. John's Ambulance as a kid).

"You will not be brewing Amortentia today ─ we will simply be covering the basics, so you are all well prepared for when the time comes." Snape droned; the potion on the desk in front of him, sizzling with heat.

Bianca was anxious to smell it. She wouldn't know if it was a bad decision until she had identified the scent. She was too curious, and so took a step closer. And she wasn't the only one. The rest of the female portion of the class was also leaning in to get a whiff ─ the Professor now explaining the characteristics of a love potion so strong.

It wasn't long until the steam floated to her nose, and her nostrils were overwhelmed with the hazy wisps from the Potion. And her question was answered almost instantly ─ it was a bad decision.

The Potion was like a balmy, humid tide of nostalgia. Nostalgia that she oh-so missed. It was so recognizable and distinct, the concept of the potion was almost silly. Bianca must have misunderstood the traits of the Amortenia Potion ─ she thought that she would smell scents that she found attractive on a person. Instead, she just got the scent of a person.

The sweet, candied aroma of freshly-baked blueberry muffins, and the doughy smell of its sponge, all airy and light inside. It was like she was transported into a hazy dream, her location a local bakery, where the tiny, luscious blue fruits were being washed and crushed into a smooth, thick paste. And where eggs, and butter, and sugar and flour were all being mixed together, flourishing in a perfect combination. And then she was transported elsewhere, the warm muffins still on the tip of her nose. This time, a Quidditch pitch formed around her, a bolder, leathery smell of broom wax, replacing the previous sweeter smell, its sharp scent tickling the inside of her nose.

Adrian Pucey, to a tee.

Bianca didn't know what to do with this information ─ it was all too much too quickly. She may have escaped the awkward arena when around Adrian, but the requirement for CPR is now more of a possibility than ever.

What did this mean? Okay, so Adrian was attractive, even September-Bianca could appreciate that. But some part of her felt that the potion was telling herself something else. For the strongest love potion in the world, Amortentia can't just tell you that you find someone physically attractive? Unless she misunderstood that as well?

After all of the laps her mind ran around chaotically, the only conclusion that Bianca came to, was that this situation was very, very messy.

On the other side of the room, Adrian was trying his best to listen to his Professor's words. He knew they would have some kind of significance, and yet he couldn't quite keep his attention focused on the content.

The potion was almost teasing him. The whirling silhouette of the steam, rising from the cauldron, the colour frosted and iridescent.

It would be no mystery to Adrian about what his Amortentia would smell like if he took a step closer. And yet he found himself edging towards the potion as the Professor's monotonal voice continued. But that voice quickly dissipated into the air when the mist reached his nose. Maybe it was the loss of interaction that lead Adrian to miss her scent.

It was familiar ─ Bianca's scent. Home-like, warm, bubbly, and mature. Friendly and folksy. First came the dainty smell of roses that shifted Adrian's world to a garden, decorated with flowers for every colour of the rainbow; the sky clear of clouds, and the sun pleasant and cordial. The roseate scent blended into the cozy aroma of old books, with crinkled pages and rough edges, the ones with history, the ones well-loved. A library was his next location, all while he stood stone still in a dungeon in a Potions class. This library was quiet and welcoming. The bookish smell quickly became entangled with the trace of a syrupy fruit ─ the round, plumpy, red ones. Cherries. She smells like cherries. The cushy kind. Comfort food kind. No pip, just the dewy, mellow smell of sweet, sweet cherries, that eventually faded into the air, vanishing from his nose, and dispersing back to the source.

Bianca Larsson, to a tee. No surprise there.

It was very hard to concentrate after that. If it wasn't before, it was almost impossible to control her hand enough for it to write a sentence. Now returned to their seats, the class was tasked with writing notes from the board, and the textbook, and Snape's lecture.

To make things worse, Bianca had forgotten her textbook. This has literally never happened before, and for a first time, it happened at the worst possible point she could have dreamed of.

These were going to be the first words she would say to Adrian since he confessed his love for her, and she replied with an insensitive, panicky "oh" and left it at that. "I uh, forgot my uh textbook," she mumbled. "Would it be okay if I shared yours?" she asked politely, still terrified of how he would reply.

He didn't verbally reply, but nodded sheepishly, and pushed the open textbook towards her, and she uttered her thanks. How times have changed. Before, she looked forward to talking to Adrian. Even six months ago the idea of bickering with Adrian and causing an argument between them excited her (wait . . .) and now she was scared to even ask for a favour.

Bianca started to hold out hope that her brain held the capacity to not need the textbook. It was sat in between the two of them, and yet slightly closer to Adrian. Bianca would have to scoot closer to him in order to read the sentences without her eyes going loopy. And she wasn't prepared to do that.

She decided to write the rest of her notes, from memory.

➼

ADRIAN SPENT THE REST OF HIS SEVENTEENTH birthday, playing card games with his friends (Marcus had kicked everyone else out of the Slytherin common room so they could have it to themselves ─ Adrian was surprised that everyone complied), and stealing food from the feast and the Kitchens to have their own birthday banquet from the comfort of the dungeons. And by the time that eleven o'clock came around, Adrian told his friends he was tired, but instead snuck away to his little spot in his little world of peace. And all was well.

And yet, no matter how awkward it may be, Bianca Larsson couldn't go the full day without wishing Adrian a Happy Birthday.

And the "wishing" part wouldn't be the difficult aspect, but rather the gift-giving. Bianca had thought about what to give Adrian for his birthday since Christmas. And although not much time had passed since then, Bianca was quick to get the gift together and wrap it up perfectly.

When she initially thought about her gift for him, their relationship wasn't on the rocks ─ or rather, crushed by said rocks ─ and back then, her present would have been a sentimental hit. But now? It was awkward, weird, and very unsentimental.

She knew it would be an uncomfortable encounter to deliver it to him and make her come across as a hypocritical prick, but Bianca had spent too much time on it just to throw it away or leave it to collect dust in a drawer in her room.

Bianca knew better than to look for Adrian in his dorm. And she hadn't heard of any party. Besides the Quidditch pitch, which she had heard Oliver mention practice to their small group of friends later in the evening, Bianca knew of only one place where Adrian Pucey went to hang out. The roof, from their first Prefect duty together.

Bianca wasn't sure if the reason he liked going up there was because of their shared time there, but she'd heard him mention it a few times before, and she had even seen him walk up there alone when she had been patrolling with Percy, apparently abandoning his partner and duty. He went up there to be alone. Just like on New Years. And now she was ruining that for him again.

She hesitated when that came to her, stopping mid-step, present in hand, suddenly going very cold, from the gap in the wall above her, where the stairs ended, and the roof started. Should she be doing this? Would he appreciate it? Or rather she didn't say anything at all?

It was a few more questions like this later, that Bianca decided he can't hate her just by wishing him a Happy Birthday and then making a swift exit. And then maybe after the shock from the present, his slight distress would pass, and he'd eventually enjoy it for what it is. Not for who it came from.

When she made it to the top, Adrian was sat in his usual ─ she suspects ─ spot, feet over the edge, gaze lost in the world around him.

"Hi," she croaked, and this time, Adrian hadn't heard her approach. He was locked in his own little bubble, protecting him from the outside dangers, both physical and emotional, of which Bianca Larsson had just popped.

Adrian slowly looked her way, his eyes falling to the present grasped in her right hand where he gulped. "Hi," he said back, his voice earthy and deep.

Bianca took a step closer, resisting the urge to flop her feet over the side too and sit beside him, losing herself to the beautiful Scottish scenery with him. Just like old times. "I know I'm the last person you want to see right now," she admitted, "but I just wanted to say happy birthday." Bianca offered him a smile, and then her mouth hollowed with forced disbelief, and her eyes went wide. "Seventeen. Wow." he could hear her whistle, and it quickly faded away.

Adrian wasn't ready to speak but smiled gratefully, and she could see a hint of genuineness.

She took another step closer ─ he hadn't moved from his seat. "I also wanted to give you this," she lifted her gift from him a little higher, so it was more clear of her intention with it. She leaned over, keeping her distance so she didn't feel like she was invading his personal space and private time.

Adrian's eyes followed her arm down to her hand where a small, rectangular box was wrapped in blue paper, with a silver bow on top. He didn't expect a gift from her, and he wasn't sure if he wanted one. He was over his birthday ─ that ended the second he left the Slytherin common room that morning.

He sent her the best appreciative smile he could manage and took the gift from her hand. Bianca stood upright again and waited for him to open it. That's if he wanted to right here with her standing a meter away. That would be awkward if he didn't.

Her concerns were obliterated when Adrian unpicked the bow, and tugged at the sellotape, pulling the wrapping off to reveal the last thing he was expecting:

It was Volume Two of the mixtape he had gifted Bianca for Christmas. The mixtape that he thinks was a romantic blaring sign that he was desperately in love with the girl on the receiving end.

Bianca couldn't quite see his whole face, since it was boring into the mixtape that was resting in his lap, his two hands weakly holding onto the edges, as if it was a bomb or something incredibly dangerous. But what she could see, was unreadable and blank.

Anxiously, he turned it over to read its contents, tucked behind a plastic case:

It was perfect. And he hated it. He fucking hated it. The songs? Brilliant masterpieces produced to incredible virtue. And yet he couldn't stand any of them right now. Not even Michael Jackson's "Rock with you" sounded appealing. In fact, he didn't want to listen to any single from any album by his favourite artist in this moment.

He cleared his throat and let the mixtape sink so he no longer held it in his hands. Adrian's eyes locked on her's, "You made a part two?" his eyebrows could have almost reached his hairline. "Thanks."

She got the reaction she was expecting ─ startled, confused, sore. "I'm really sorry, Adrian."

"For what? I'm not angry. You've done nothing wrong," he shrugged.

"But it feels like I have," she trembled.

Adrian sighed. "I can't control your feelings, Bianca." If he could, they wouldn't be in this she-doesn't-love-me-back mess. "Obviously," he added under his breath, quietly.

She heard that. And pretended that she didn't. For her sake, and for his.

He decided to stand up now, using his hands to press off from the ground. Bianca worried if he was standing so he could give her the mixtape back. But it was clear that wasn't his plan, when he left it on the roof top's edge.

She fought not to pick at her fingernails but still began cracking her knuckles silently. "So what, we're gonna go back to hating each other just because I can't give you the reply you want?" she asked like she had wanted to earlier that day.

Another sigh, "Now you're just putting words in my mouth."

They lapsed into silence, neither really having the right words to express how they feel. Adrian thought back to when he realized, clearly for the first time that he was in love with the girl before him, and he found something to say.

"I thought you said you never hated me."

Bianca stared hopefully, waiting for him to meet her gaze, "I know I did. And I meant it," she quaked, hesitating before saying something else: "But . . . that doesn't mean I'm in love with you." And instant regret was the only outcome she experienced. Adrian did finally look her in the eyes, and that said it all. She let go of her fingers immediately and opened her mouth to save any positive feelings he may still have towards her, that weren't fueled by sadness and disappointment. "Fuck, no, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that Adrian, not how it comes across."

He shrugged, "Oh, no, no don't worry, I get it. Why would you ever love me?" Adrian didn't mean to say that, and regretted it for a moment, before realizing that there was no point in trying to take it back.

"Please don't say that." she croaked. Bianca was close to tears, and Adrian was stone cold, and not even close to breaking point. He had prepared for the worst, gotten used to her rejection, and grown thicker skin because of it.

"I don't plan on saying it again."

Bianca turned to the tote slung over her shoulder, where she pulled out a scrapbook and passed it over to him.

It had a plain, black, matte cover and yet Adrian recognized it instantly. He just didn't know why he was the one currently holding it. "What's this?" he asked, knitting his brows.

Bianca shrugged casually, "The Kiss List," she said, before pausing. "I don't need it anymore."

It was an obvious decision ─ to call off the bet. And Adrian expected it. So he began flicking through the pages, to see how far she had managed to actually get.

Angelina Johnson had a big tick next to her name, and Adrian remembers that one. Cassius did too, so did Cedric, Diggory and he suddenly remembers how many he was aware of as he reached the end of the first double-page spread, where every single one was crossed off. "You did well," he said, not looking up as he flicked over the page.

"Better than you expected, huh?"

The word "TERMINATED" was written twice on the next page ─ one for Heidi and one for Tamsin. Adrian was surprised to see Anthony Rickett gone ─ he didn't know about that one. Adrian sucked in a breath when he realized she was almost there. Finishing. Winning. He passed the book back.

Bianca stared at the book that was held out in his hands for her to take. Her arms now crossed, she furrowed her eyebrows. "What are you doing?"

"You should keep going. Wouldn't want you to throw your hard work away." Part of Adrian meant it. The other half not too keen on the idea of Bianca kissing four more guys. But then again, he never had been a fan of that thought.

"I'm not getting you kicked off the Quidditch team, Adrian. I'm for-fitting."

Adrian was not prepared to be the one to tell Bianca that by for-fitting, it meant she owed him a date ─ that would make everything ten times more uncomfortable. And neither of them would want that. "And I'm not letting you," he pushed the book closer in her direction, encouraging her to take it.

She tsked, and took it out of his hands, shoving it into her chest. "You're such hard work." Why persist? If not calling off the bet was what he wanted, she wasn't going to take that away.

"Thanks," he drawled. "But I don't want to bicker. We don't do that anymore," he smiled, half-sarcastic, half-can-you-you-leave-now?. "Keep going and you might just win this bet after all."

"Okay," Was the only thing she could conjure up in the moment. For her big brain and high IQ, Bianca sucked when it comes to things like this. Then again, nothing prepares you for losing a friend to one-sided love. A tad dramatic, but Bianca needs you to know how she feels. "Enjoy the rest of the night. You should spend it with friends," she suggested, preparing for her exit.

"I'll consider it. Thank you though," Adrian replied before lifting the mixtape a little higher. "And for the gift. It's uh really," he was struggling to find the words and it was like someone was plunging a knife into her heart with every second he tried to think of a reply, ". . . great." he decided on. "It's really great."

Adrian does believe that it truly is great. If it weren't for the current relationship status, this would have been the best present he received today. And maybe it still is. But he can't go about life saying "if".

Bianca let out a large breath of air, that she had been keeping in since she realized that this mixtape would be the present she was giving him after he called the same item something that is as "romantic as it get's!". She knew how he was feeling, and she wanted him to know that. "It makes me a hypocritical prick, doesn't it?" she said, her shoulders sagging, her head tilting and her lips pouting.

There was a flicker of a grin on his face, that Bianca thought ─ hoped, was going to make an appearance. He looked back down at the mixtape, specifically the words "You and Me" and how it must have pained Bianca to use incorrect grammar. But because he had done it on Volume One for her Christmas present, she did it for him. That's what made him smile, "Yes, but I assume you made it before I confessed my undying love for you?" he questioned.

It was like someone had lifted the weight of the fucking earth off of Bianca's shoulders seeing Adrian playfully smile. And for the first, proper time in three days, she let herself smile too. "Yeah, I did. Forget I ever made it though ─ just enjoy the music for what it is. Happy birthday, Adrian." She liked that she was smiling in his direction again. A true smile.

But Adrian didn't want to forget who made it ─ that's what makes it special.

Just as she had turned for the exit, Adrian wanted one last word, "And Bianca?"

Her hair flicked around her, as she whipped her head at the chance to stay just a little while longer. "Hm?"

"Forget I ever said anything the other night," he said. "Just forget it all. Please?"

Bianca gave him one punctuated nod, "Consider it forgotten."

Now that was out of the way, Adrian let himself smirk just a little, "And good luck with the rest of the list."

Her bottom lip enveloped her top one, "I'm not sure if you mean that, but I appreciate your wish. Night Adrian."

"Night Bianca."

But as she left the roof, and back down the spiral stairs, she didn't care if he meant it or not. She felt that, although still rocky, and a heck of a lot more awkward than it used to be, their relationship had finally taken a turn for the better, and things were looking up. The word "undying" kept repeating itself in her head and Bianca became too preoccupied with the fact that she wasn't prepared to forget that Adrian Pucey was in love with her.

𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒆 𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒂𝒌𝒔!

i feel that i had
more to say in this
chapter, but it's
currently 11 o'clock
and i have to be up
at four am tomorrow
so this will have to do :/

and sigh. this fic is almost
over. just three left and
then an epilogue and then
that's it.

we're almost at 50k as well . . .

i'm gonna miss it, but thank you
for all the love this fic has received.

i'm sorry this has been the slowest
burn ever, but it'll be worth it, i
promise.

not long now . . .