This Oc is owned by ArenaTyke

__________________

Name: Dawn Promise (Dawnstar)
I love the name! Curious to know how she's a leader...

Past names: Dawn Promise, Dawn,
Promise
?? Dawn Promise is her name now?? Or partially.

Name Reason: she was born at dawn when the birds began to sing, seeing this her mother named her for the fact that every Dawn brought the promise of a day better than the last, a day of better hunting, another day they we're still alive.
Good reason!

Appearance: Soft furred ginger tabby with a white chest, paws and tail tip, green eyes that can appear brighter in moments of happiness/ excitement/ love and darker in moments of anger/pain/ sorrow
Okay, nice base but it could use a lot more detail

Age at death: 50 moons

Young to die at. Murdered perhaps?

Personality: gentle, kind and patient most of the time, Dawn was empathetic and sweet, but you shouldn't let that fool you, if you found yourself on the other side of her claws you would greatly regret it, she wasn't usually violent but if you hurt someone she loved you would find yourself in serious trouble very fast. She could be seen as overly clingy and is terrified of losing people

Sexuality: Bisexual
Ok!

Clan: Ancient Tribe (former), Tall Shadow's Group (Temporarily), Dawn Promise's group/ Dawnclan (Former), Starclan
So she was part of the canon timeline? Hmmm

Rank: Leader of Dawnclan

Okay, she made her own clan ig

Kin:

Mother- Dark bird: Black she-cat with white paws and chest, green eyes
Father- Sun Fire: Ginger tabby Tom with white paws chest, tail tip and ears, green eyes
Sister-Night Star: Black she-cat with white paws and muzzle, green eyes

Mostly boring names and apperances you should change that. And is her sister also a leader or his her name supposed to be "night star"?

Crush: --

Ok

Mate: Fox- Large brown Tom with yellow eyes

Description could be longer

Kits: Raven feather- black she-cat with yellow eyes.

Vixen fur- little dark ginger she-cat with green eyes

Rabbit leap- brown she-cat with yellow eyes

Remember to capitilize all their suffixes, and add more detail to the descriptions. Also, I don't think cats have gendered words for other animals?? I think her daughter's name should just be Fox- or something.

Backstory: Dawn Promise and her sister Night Star were born to Dark Bird and Sun Fire in the mountains of the Ancient Tribe under the rule of Half Moon as StoneTeller.
Okay, definitely part of the canon timeline

As she grew into a Hunter she was close friends with Grey Wing and Turtle Tail, having developed a crush on Grey Wing's brother Clear Sky,
Uhhhhhhhhhhh

I don't like that she's friends with canon characters, it feels lazy and forced like how many Mary-Sues are kin of Firestar or something. Maybe switch it to where she's still from a tribe but with non-canon characters

but her sister Night Star also liked Clear Sky. Dawn Promise would never do anything to hurt her sister's happiness so reluctantly she gave in to the fact they would never be mates.
Alright....

Many moons later her sister and Clear Sky became mates, although she was happy for them it also hurt her a lot, she still liked Clear Sky a bit, quite a lot actually.
But.... he loves Bright Stream?? What?? Did she just get erased from the timeline?

As time went on Night Star revealed to her that she was expecting Clear Sky 's kits, Dawn was happy for her, genuinely, this was her sister after all.
Again, don't like the pairing canon characters thing

Not even a moon later her sister and Clear Sky got into a fight, she'd over heard a little having heard her sister yell "It's not like I have a choice!"
:0 I wonder what they're arguing about

And storm out she waited after seeing Clear Sky go after her, for the pair to return, Clear Sky came back with her sister's body, saying she'd been crushed by a rockslide.
OH NOOO

Dawn Promise fell into a pit of sorrow and suddenly rage, accusing Clear Sky of killing her after she found a concealed gash on her sister's throat and Clear Sky's fur between her claws.
OMG HE KILLED HER WHY
(But this seems slightly out of character I don't think he'd kill a pregnant cat)

Dawn was overcome by grief and stayed by her sister's body until the next sun high with her parents at her side.
:(

She was the one who dug her sister's final resting place and she insisted on doing it herself, lashing out at Clear Sky when he said that as her mate he should be allowed to help
Yea fuck him. Also why isn't anything done about him being the murder?? Literally has a gash in her throat and fur in his claws

"As her murderer you mean! So I think you should stay back!" After her sister's death Dawn had become more reserved, until Clear Sky had come along the two sisters had been inseparable and Night Star had not only been Dawn Promise's sister but also her best friend.
I hat Clear Sky rn more than in the actual books

She shut herself off from everyone, her parents, StoneTeller, her friends, and became a silent more likely to lash out she-cat.
I'm guessing she had depression D:

One day while she was out hunting she heard a mewling from a nearby bush, she padded over to investigate and found a nest that reeked with the scent of death and the stale sent of cat and prey, she looked into the nest and was horrified at the sight of prey bones gnawed in half as if they'd been desperately searching for any remaining food, and by they I mean the two kit corpses lying in the nest, one grey and one brown and white.
Oh, that's horrible! Did there mother leave or get killed?

Then she heard it again, the mewling, there at the very back of the nest was a beautiful little tom-kit, half of his fur was dark grey tabby almost black and the other half was light grey,
Wdym? Half as in the top and bottom or like he has a light gray base with darker tabby patches?

he had white paws and a white muzzle and was mewling pitifully, Dawn snatched the kit up and brought him back to the Tribe with her, where she named him Half Sky and raised him as her own.
Awww. But wait, I don't think he was mentioned with her kits? Yeah, he wasn't which is weird. I don't know if you forgot or what

Little more than a moon later Dawn realized how little prey there was. After the death of Clear Sky and Grey Wing's little sister Fluttering Bird, she came to her decision. Half Sky was stronger than he had been, yes, but he was still weak and frail, thin and small, like Fluttering Bird had been. Dawn Promise went to StoneTeller to tell her what she was going to do, but she already knew."I've seen you looking at the horizon since the first light, Dawn Promise if you feel you must go, then I will not stop you, may the ancestors guide your pawsteps." And with that Dawn left after saying a sad goodbye to her parents and assuring her friends that one day they would meet again.
Did she not go with the group that left in the books? They must have left though because it says she briefly stayed in Tall Shadow's camp

She padded out into the darkness Half Sky at her side, they walked for moons hunting on the way, learning how to cross thunderpaths and how to fight off foxes, Dawn realised it was quite similar to fighting Hawks.

Ehhhh I'm pretty sure fighting a fox and fighting a hawk would b pretty different. But it took them moons? I'm pretty sure in the books it only took one or something.

After moons of traveling they found the perfect place, the place she'd once heard StoneTeller talk about, the promised home, at the end of the suntrail. There she and Half Sky lived in peace, they introduced themselves as Promise and Sky to the rogues and loners living there.

Why did they bother changing their names? It's interesting that she decided to go by her suffix instead of prefix though.

They lived happily for many moons, then one day when Promise was out hunting she accidentally stole someone else's prey, she apologised and the two cats agreed to share with her, introducing themselves as Fox and Petal.

Ughhhhh more canon characters

They got on well and Promise brought them back to her den to meet Sky. Promise and Sky found themselves popular with the local cats since they offered anyone a place to stay in their den.

Wait, where are they living? The moors?

Knowing what it was like to starve Promise would also give prey to any weary travellers or Hungry cats. They would have stayed happy if Promise hadn't come back from her hunt to find Sky facing off against a familiar she-cat who claimed he was in their territory. Promise went to confront her until she saw the flash of light grey fur and cold familiar blue eyes, Clear Sky was here. The familiar she-cat was none other than Quick Water a cat from the tribe, Sky, Quick Water and Clear Sky ended up in a face off until she intervened snarling angrily at them putting both of the mountain cats to shame for the way they were treating locals.

Again, this would be better if you just used different characters, it's hard to write them without immediately feeling OOC

"This isn't your home, how dare you try and get us to leave! Listen to me now, there are more of us than there are you, we are letting you stay in OUR forest and on OUR moors, not the other way around! Now get out of my face and leave my son alone! You big headed fox-brains! And if you ever hurt him again, I'll make you wish you were with the ancestors! Like my sister!" She spat the last part at Clear Sky who had just realized who she was.

I know maybe they haven't seen eachother in 5 moons or so but come on how could he not recognize her.

Dawn had unsheathed her claws at them to demonstrate she wasn't afraid of a fight but they left.A few moons later she found herself padding through the forest alone with Fox, she's been sure of her feelings for him for a long time, but since he joined Clear Sky's group their relationship became harder to manage with Clear Sky's small mind he would see it as Fox being disloyal to his 'Tribe'.

Ew and now her mate is a canon cat. Also if he's in Clear Sky's group then why would he be her mate? Why would he join in the first place? In the books it was because Clear Sky helped them but in this world he had already joined with Dawn Promise

But neither Promise nor Fox cared, they loved each other too much to care for other cats opinions. Fox made her feel safe and wanted, like her sister had, like the pain and worries of the world would just overlook them as long as they were together.Promise was walking on the moors when she found her old friends, Grey Wing and his little brother Jagged Peak.

Still confused as to how they have the moors and the forest. Anyways what's going with Gray Wing and Clear Sky? They're still in conflict right?

They took her back to their camp and stayed there for a short while, leaving again to return to the forest and tell the new that she was expecting Fox's kits.

Okay

She told him and his sister Petal but the three's happiness was short lived, they were found by Clear Sky who attacked Promise for "trespassing" she tried to doge him but he clipped her ear, she fled quickly back to her den where she collapsed, tired, her hate red for Clear Sky doubling.

So, she just ran back to camp?

About a moon later she was messing around, playing mossball with Sky when she heard snarls, she told him to wait and went off to find out what was happening, she found Grey Wing standing over her mates dead body his eyes glazed with fear and panic, his pelt covered in blood, Fox's blood.

:0 So he does still die

Clear Sky was there too, her hatred for him tripled.

Why?? Gray Wing was technically the one who killed Fox

Basically she becomes DawnStar of Dawnclan after taking in the rogues that are her friends and Half Sky was her first deputy.

Then she died peacefully in her sleep after taking her clan to new territory, surrounded by her family and then she went to Starclan to be with her mate again.

She died at 50 from age!? That's way too young unless she had some secret heart problem or condition. And I notice her other kits weren't mentioned at all

Review: Before we move on to actually critiquing this character, I want everyone to know this backstory is almost EXACTLY WHAT IM LOOKING FOR. I know it seems long and over detailed at the first glance, but really it's perfect (not actually but well talk about that later). Dawn Promise's life is explained event by event and little details about her relationship with the characters coming up as they appear! It's literally all I want, a little bit about the relationships and then move on to the events without overdoing it. Point is, use this to write your own backstories 💕

~Clan~

Well, uh she's set in the canon timeline so no explantation needed for the canon groups, but I was kind of confused about where exactly her group was and I think a little explantion in this part would've cleared it up for the backstory. I also want to know what her clan's traits became after she dies, like how all the canon clans have special things about them. Honestly though, I would prefer if you just completely scrapped the canon timeline and replaced it with something similar. Like, she could still be from another group or tribe or something and leaves with like a few other cats and THEY establish clans.

~Appearances/Characters~

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh the descriptions could be better. They're all pretty undetailed and basic (moslty due to half of the characters being canon and we all know the Erins can't even keep track of eye color). If you change them to be all your own Ocs you can definitely expand the descriptions to add things like body type, fur type, height, etc.

~Backstory~

So I've already paid my compliments for the set-up and detail and now it's time to move to the criticisms. Honestly I don't have a lot besides the fact I think the canon events should be changed to something unique to her as well as the characters. I don't really have complaits besides the use of canon characters but that's kind of an easy fix. One thing I'll say is in some areas a bit more description or an explanation is due, and the last part of her backstory was obviously skimmed over, so I'd like to know about her other kits and stuff. Just more detail in that last bit, don't worry about the length!

I hope you found my advice helpful! The biggest thing is just change it from being in the canon timeline lol.