"I don't know why I'm doing this. I guess I'm just lonely. They told me writing again would help but every time I pick up my laptop I just stare at an empty page. Maybe I'm here because I'm trying to talk to someone other than myself."

"So why do you think writing has been so hard for you lately?"

"Why do I have writers block? I guess I've just run out of ideas. When I do try to write something I can never think of a way to end it."

"Do you think that might have something to do with what you mentioned last session about your sister? How we don't know what waits for us after death? Speaking of your sister, how are you holding up?"

I sighed and just looked at my therapist. I guess her job was to make me open up but my sister was a touchy subject at the moment.

"Well how do you think it's going?"

"I think you're avoiding answering."

"At least I know I'm getting my moneys worth with you doc."

"Yes, if you were actually paying for this session. One more question before we go, how are you feeling about tomorrow? It will be your first day in court."

"Really? Huh, must have forgotten about that. I had other plans to sleep in tomorrow," I hid behind my own sarcasm. I was terrified of the jury and what their verdict might be.

She raised an eyebrow, and I could tell she saw right through me. "Well that's all the time we have for today. Perhaps you'll open up more next session?"

"Dr.Berg you said it yourself -not everyone opens up within the first few sessions."

"Yes it does take time. More so for those who hurt the most. Those are the ones who tend to have the most walls up. I hope within time we can break down some of your walls Ms.Moore."

I smiled at her. "Good luck doc."

***

1-2-19
Diary entry #1

I wish I could tell you that my name is Juliet, or Kate, maybe even Genevieve. I've wished my whole life that when people ask me what my name is- I can reply with a beautiful sunset name, a name that sounds like water or wind or fire, a name- that when you say it, it would make all the other names flood with envy.

Instead, my name is like the Earth. It is plain, dry, and boring. Sara. Sara. Sara. It sounds like a whisper. As if it is to afraid to scream and stand up. Sara. It would rather be safe then do anything to escape comfort.

Sara is a girl who is lovely and pretty and kind hearted. She is a girl who is always happy and sees the good in everything and who never gives up her hope and spirit no matter what.

Sara is the girl I pretend to be.

I am guarded. I keep my thoughts to myself most of the time and hardly ever really laugh. I tell people I'm fine, but honestly no one notices when I'm not fine. They don't care, and I guess that's my own fault, for not opening up enough. Part of me keeps saying "wait, soon, one day someone will notice. Someone will make you open up and in some way you'll learn to love them." Love. It was something a crazy person made up. I don't believe in love, but people will say I'm just to young to understand and maybe there right. Or maybe I'm just in capable of loving someone. After all, not everyone kills their father.

I see the worst in the world and in the people who destroy it. Maybe that's why I take pictures of nature for novels. I prefer the natural beauty rather than what society does. They build buildings and set fires and chop down trees. I appreciate waterfalls, and birds, and trees. Being a writer, I suppose that makes me some what of hypocrite. But I do appreciate trees. Their sappy smell, green gleaming leaves, their tree trunk stretching up to the sky, and the beautiful white sheets of paper they give me. God gave us animals to eat, who's to say he didn't give us plants to write on?

That's another thing about me- I question everything. I believe words are just lines and circles we gave meaning and all agreed on. There's no limit to letters just like there's no limit to numbers because all society did was make lines and call them "letters."

Society disagrees. But I don't have to convince anyone. What's the point? Who would listen to a crazy woman anyway? But no one would think that, because no one thinks I'm crazy except for me and the voices.

~Sara