Have you ever imagined what other people are thinking? What words could be dashing through their head? I do all the time.

Maybe that's why I'm so insecure- I care to much about what others think. It doesn't matter how much you tell yourself that other people's opinions don't matter, somehow they still do.

But maybe that's just the voices arguing.

We all have voices in our head, some people call them our conscience, or just your inner voice, but I suppose they talked to me so much I decided to give them names.

I have 4 voices, Lucifer, Payne, October, and Whisper. Now at this point you're probably thinking I'm crazy, I think so all the time. But the only reason I talk to them is because they're the only ones who will listen.

Lucifer is the voice that says everything evil that's ever come to mind. He talks about death, anger, rage, frustration, and sometimes he even talks about murder.

Payne stays locked up in a cage, but when she gets out I find myself wanting to cry, but I haven't cried in a long time. She is my depression, anxiety. She is the one who is broken, sad. She overthinks and over analyzes, and she's put a cage around my heart too, so no one can see it just like no one can see her. She's the one who says "maybe it be better if we just killed ourself, then it would all go away." Sometimes I wonder if she's right, but then October pulls me out of it.

October is happy. She tells me that I'm strong, that I can get through it. When Payne escapes from her cage, October always locks her back up. Oct is my rock, she reminds me of my hopes, dreams, and goals. Sometimes she'll remind me of the good memories, when things weren't loud and angry. She blesses me with imaginary scenarios, scenarios that are far better than the life I am living. She's my imagination, and the voice that helps me when I write my stories. She gives me hope. She gives me something to live for.

And then there's Whisper. She's tiny, but she's always in control. She's the one who stops me before I talk. She's the one who says "don't say that." She is the opposite of a girl who shouts, the opposite of the roaring sea. She is like a sprinkle of rain, and much like my name, I am trapped in her.

Last but least, there's me. When I talk to them all at once it can get over bearing, and I feel like screaming, but Whisper stops me.

No matter how annoying they can be, they always listen. I tell them about my day, or my problems, and they give me every possible scenario imaginable.

Nobody nows about my voices, because if they did, they would try to take them away. But you can't take away my voices just as you can't take candy from a baby. It would hurt the baby too much.

Maybe they aren't voices, maybe they're my demons, haunting me. But nevertheless, they're always with me. I can't ignore them, or they'll only grow louder and louder till even Whisper has raised her voice at me to respond, to acknowledge her, because they know that even though I could escape the rest of the world, I could never escape them.

***

1-3-19
5:30 a.m.

My alarm clock blared at me, begging at me to wake up. But my body was begging to stay asleep.

"Today's the day," Whisper told me and I wanted to cry, but Payne was still in her cage and she couldn't come out today. Today I needed to be emotionless, if the jury saw an emotionless girl at the stand then maybe they would consider me a psychopath and punish me for my crime.

But thanks to the thin walls of our tiny 3rd floor apartment, I could hear my mom praying to God that he would spare me. Spare my soul. But what she doesn't know is I sold my soul to the devil a long time ago.

We had gone thrift store shopping all week, Mom had wanted me to look my absolute best so we found a cute lawyer looking skirt, with a white button up and a black jacket to complete the outfit. I look so professional and grown up, I didn't even know what to think.

"Sara! Are you ready? I wanted to straighten your hair and put some make up on you! Come here!" My mom shouted across the tiny apartment. She gave no consent for my little sister still sleeping in he bunk bed below mine.

I walked into the only bedroom where my mom was waiting for me with the straightener. She insisted I had to wake up early so that she could make me look my absolute best.

"Wow you look so mature." She breathed out the words almost as if she talked any louder she would start sobbing.

"Thanks Mom. You look nice too." I knew the only reason she was going to such extreme lengths was because she might never get a chance to dress me up again. Who's there to impress in prison?

When she had finally finished with my make up and hair, I looked into the mirror to see a stranger, an unrecognizable figure, looking straight back.

"You've become such a mature, smart, brave young lady. And I'm so proud of you. You're strong, Sara. Stronger than you think, so so much stronger then I ever was or ever had been. I couldn't be prouder. I know you've got demons in your head, but one day they'll stop talking. But today, just do as the lawyer says and you'll be fine."

I nodded and smiled at her. "I love you Mom."

Just smiled back and embraced me, "I love you too."

***

8:56

"Okay 4 minutes till. How are we feeling family? We know the plan. Sara you'll say exactly what happened that night and once you're off the stand you say nothing. Not a single word. We're going to plead innocent, it was self defense no matter what the other team says, okay?" My lawyer talked so fast I could barely understand him. He was a cheap lawyer, and we might as well have got him off of eBay, but for today he would work.

I nodded along, but I didn't agree.

"We have to be punished!" Payne shouted from her cage. She sounded like a screeching cat, wanting to claw her way out.

"No he deserved to die! He deserved to be punished!" Lucifer growled back at her.

"Enough! It's starting." All Whisper had to do was breathe and they shut up. I don't know why they were so afraid of her. She was so quiet, so refined. But they were scared to death of her, I could feel it.

"All rise." We rose and I felt my heart jump out of my chest. This was it. My trial. The trial that determined wether or not I did or didn't kill him. The trial that said wether I was guilty or innocent. But only one of us in the courtroom knew the truth. I was guilty. And nothing they said would change my mind. I deserved to be punished, and if the jury didn't realize it, they would.