It's nothing Jaemin should worry about. It really is nothing. He was back from his hiatus, sitting next to his best friends and talking to the fans with love literally dripping from his voice. But then why does his heart hurt at the thought that he doesn't belong there? Why does he have this underlying feeling that he isn't supposed to be here, surrounded by not only his best friends, but actually popular members of a big K-pop group? He shouldn't be so worried over something so small, but he is.

My First and Last started playing and the three next to him jumped up to dance. Jaemin looked away from the camera, his eyes running over the trio and his stomach twisted. They had big smiles on as they reminisced their memories of that time. When they were six, and when they were having fun. 

"Nana doesn't know this song!" Renjun complained, hitting Donghyuck as the latter stuck his tongue out at him. Jaemin smiled at Renjun before turning to Donghyuck, sending him a look which caused the shorter to immediately change the song. Chewing gum played next and Jaemin felt excitement bubble up in him. Finally it was something he could dance to. However, as soon as he got up and hoped he could rely on his muscle memory, nothing came. His arms were glued to his sides and his mind was unable to recall what the choreography was.

Does he move his arm to the left now? Do they raise their foot here? Why are the other three bouncing up and down? 

Jaemin's movements came a bit delayed, and he chose to blame it on the fact that it had been a while, when in all honesty he was just copying Jeno. The managers behind the camera were holding their hands to their faces, attempting to stifle their laughter as Jaemin elbowed Jeno and then stumbled into Renjun. Were they laughing at Jaemin's mistakes?

A sudden rush of embarrassment hit Jaemin and he patted the members, indicating that they should stop. Without any further questioning, Donghyuck stopped the song and bombarded them with the things the fans were saying. The comments made the pit in Jaemin's stomach cool down, but it was still there. The looks the managers gave, the way Donghyuck would glance at Renjun as if to make sure he didn't accidentally say something that could make Jaemin confused, or making sure to completely exclude the memories of 2017 in their conversations whenever he was around.

It made Jaemin feel bad. Why were they refraining themselves from talking about something they enjoyed just because of him? Just because he was the outcast? They should be talking freely, with not a care in the world about how Jaemin would react. Instead of tiptoeing around the memories, they should be telling him what happened, so that he would get the references. 

"Alright!" Donghyuck yelled, clapping his hands and then pouting. "We have to go now!"

They all started to say heartfelt messages to fans, or at least tried to. Donghyuck pushed Jeno out of the way and took a seat in front of the camera. From where Jaemin stood, he could see the fans laughing in the comments. And so, he came up with a plan. He snuck around the side and just as Donghyuck was about to speak, with all his force, Jaemin pushed him out of the way. Donghyuck hit the ground and a round of laughter exploded through the room. Jaemin held the camera with his hand and tried to calm down his laughter, but then a certain comment caught his eye.

'What the hell! How dare Jaemin do that to Haechan!'

It was a joke, Jaemin thought, and almost rolled his eyes. But then more comments like that flooded the comments section, and his stomach dropped. Was he really being too harsh on Donghyuck? He had done the same to Jeno, so why was it such a big deal when Jaemin did it? 

The live ended quickly and Jaemin hurried out of the room, shouting out an excuse for needing the toilet. He sped walked through the halls before stumbling into a stall. Taking a seat on the closed toilet lid, Jaemin took his head in his hands. His breathing was growing more erratic and the thoughts in his head weren't helping. 

Every member had something special about them. Something that made them loved by the fans, and unique from the rest of the group. Donghyuck was the easily excitable but hilarious and cute one. Mark was the leader and the all-rounder who managed to perfect everything. Even Sicheng was special, despite his lack of lines but amazing personality and talent. So what about Jaemin? How could he possibly make himself different from the rest? He couldn't be the moodmaker, that role was already taken. He couldn't be the unique rapper of the group, since there were already so many that surpassed him in terms of talent. So what could he do to make himself stand out?

"I got it," Jaemin whispered and stood up from the seat, and a small smile crept up his face at the thought. "I'll just be the affectionate one."

"Come on, I'll make you guys food," Jaemin said, elbowing Jisung and tapping his foot against Chenle. The two immediately snapped their heads up at the mention of food and followed Jaemin into the kitchen. After a whole 10 hours worth of practice, all Jaemin wanted to do was sleep. But when he saw the members dead on the couch and barely able to function without their stomach growling, he knew he had to do something about it. "What do you guys wanna eat?"

"Tteokbeokki!"

"Ramyeon!"

They answered at the same time and snapped their heads towards each other, glares on their faces, and it was so clear Jisung was going to lose, but then Jaemin put a hand between the proximity of their bodies.

"I'll make both," Jaemin smiled, loving the way their eyes lit up and feeling the exhaustion in his body washing out. 

Just as he turned around to start cooking, Donghyuck entered the dorm, his loud voice echoing in the halls and Jaemin felt a sense of relief passed over him. If Donghyuck was here, he could probably help him make food.

"Nana?" Donghyuck asked as he walked into the kitchen. "Why are you cooking at this time? Shouldn't you guys just order food?"

"But Jaemin hyung makes the best food!" Chenle whined, and threw himself over the counter. Jisung followed, but did it less violently. Donghyuck eyed them before looking at Jaemin, his eyes focused on the younger's face in search of something.

"Fine, I'll help," Donghyuck rolled his eyes at the cheers the two kids let out, and then threw his jacket across the room, somehow making it land right besides Jeno, who let out a squeak of surprise.

After the constant nagging of Donghyuck, Jisung and Chenle got up from their seats before skipping out of the kitchen. As the door closed, Donghyuck put down his knife, the loud sound of it hitting the board echoed in the room and the orange head spun on his heel.

"What's wrong?" Donghyuck suddenly asked, surprising Jaemin, who had thought the slightly older boy hadn't caught onto his unusual behaviour. Sure, Jaemin was a caring friend and loved pampering the two youngest members, but he would never push himself this far to prove that. He would do it within his limits, making sure he took care of himself as well.

"Nothing?" Jaemin chuckled nervously and returned to washing the chicken. Was it that obvious that Jaemin was trying to change his behaviour? Was he that easy to read?

"There's clearly something wrong," Donghyuck said, walking across the kitchen and caging Jaemin between his extended arms. "You're cooking for the kids even though you're exhausted as hell. Jaemin, you just came back, you need to—"

"I'm not a baby, and neither am I fragile," Jaemin scoffed, pushing Donghyuck away and dropping the chicken into a saucepan. "Stop trying to stop me from doing things I like to do."

"Oh, like what? Torturing yourself?" Donghyuck egged on, shuffling closer and tilting his head to the side, mocking the face Jaemin had made when he spoke earlier.

"I'm not torturing myself," Jaemin mumbled, choosing not to say it too loudly. He knew what Donghyuck was saying was the truth. The aches in his muscles were getting worse each passing second he spent standing up and they obviously hurt more, since he hadn't been training as hard as the others until recently. Jaemin knows that he should be laying in bed right now, getting food served to him because of how sick he would probably end up if he didn't get rest. But if Jaemin didn't do this, then he wouldn't have a role within the group.

If Jaemin was in bed, then somebody else would take the role of taking care of everyone. As much as he loved the idea of being comforted by someone, he wanted to be the one to do that. Everyone had a role. He wanted one too. 

"Sure you aren't," Donghyuck rolled his eyes but in the end, dropped the subject, much to Jaemin's delight. He preferred to not discuss the matter any longer. Just the thought of being cornered by Donghyuck made him even more tired and he knew that if Donghyuck were to say it once again, his will would break and collapse without a second thought. 

Jaemin had heard stories about idols who had overworked themselves to the point where they couldn't take it anymore. He always wondered what went through their minds when they did such dangerous things, but he also understood what they went through as the pressure from management was indeed really harsh. As a 17-year-old boy, he still got scared whenever a staff member entered and shot them a glare. Not all of them were children of the devil, but there were a few who knew how to ruin someone's day. 

"Jaemin, you keep messing up at the end," One of the choreographers that seemed to hate Jaemin, stated. He walked over to Jaemin and raised his arm. "Move your arm like this, not—" He jerked Jaemin forward, almost making him lose his balance and continued. "Like this, understand?"

Jaemin nodded lazily, too tired to care about what he had just said and pulled his arm away. The gesture he made could've been interpreted as disrespectful, but no one paid any mind to it. The song continued and all the members danced to it once again. Through the reflection of the mirror, Jaemin glared at himself. Why wasn't he able to get a simple choreography correct? He was supposed to be one of the lead dancers of the group, yet he wasn't able to fulfill that role properly.

A yell was heard across the room and the music stopped, but Jaemin was too busy watching his reflection in the mirror that he hadn't even realised. He only stopped once Jeno placed a hand on his shoulder and halted his movements.

"Jaemin, why do you keep spacing out?" Another choreographer asked, the nicer one out of all of them. "Is there something wrong? Do you need to sit out?"

Again with the reminder that he had just come back after a year. 

"No, I'm fine," Jaemin smiled softly at her and bowed a little, showing his gratitude towards her concern. The rude choreographer grunted at this and told everyone to start again from the start. Jaemin watched as they all groaned and got into position again. It was because of him they were being forced to repeat it again and again. He was the reason they were groaning. Jaemin couldn't help but feel his mood drop even further.