𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧
𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐮𝐥𝐮𝐬
𝟐𝟏𝟒𝟓

from the eyes of
— 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐒 𝐉𝐀𝐃𝐄 —

"So how're we going to go about this?" Amy whispered eagerly, all of us standing in front of a cottage with smoke erupting from the chimneys. It was rather nice to look at, a quaint little place that screamed of happiness—not murderous psychotic evil wizard. "Should we kick down his door like officers?" She asked, bouncing on her toes before she pretended to shoot a gun.

The waves the sonic had picked up led us right here, presumably to the home of this evil wizard.

Rory was looking at her in concern. "Uhm, that sounds a bit dangerous—what if he spells you?" He asked frantically. "Maybe we should just call the police, right Doctor?"

The Doctor scowled at Rory. "What police? We are the police...!"

I crossed my arms and gave him an incredulous. "Doctor, we are not the police..." I scoffed.

He pouted and shook his head. "Oi, good as..." He trailed. "Well—I am, I don't know about you lot..."

"Hey!" We all echoed and he snapped his fingers at us to be quiet.

"Enough from you all," He waggled a finger at us before motioning to the cottage. "We need to go about this intelligently!"

Let's be real—most of the time all of us are together we share like one brain cell. And when it's just the Doctor and I, we share half a brain cell.

The Doctor was waving his arms around like a madman, eyes wide as he continued to motion toward the quaint little cottage.

I mean, seriously—quaint. It looked like the kind of place grandmothers baked pies, not the home of a supposed evil wizard turning women into unicorns. But the Doctor was going on and on about the dangers, his voice low and serious as Rory began to visibly shake.

"I mean, who knows what's behind those doors! Could be pitfalls! Could be hexes! Could be—"

"Death?" Rory croaked, his face pale.

"Yes, death!" The Doctor exclaimed, nodding fervently before slapping Rory's cheeks twice—first with his palm, then with the back of his hand in a quick, rhythmic motion that was more annoying than painful. Rory's head wobbled, his face scrunching up at the Doctor's closeness. "Pull yourself together, I'm the police!"

I scoffed, crossing my arms. "You are NOT the police. Stop calling yourself that!"

The Doctor turned to me, eyes wide. "Well, why don't you stop popping my balloon, dearest!"

"Popping your balloon—?"

Amy groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Are you guys really about to do this now?"

I ignored her, my mind already racing. "No, don't worry, I have a plan!" I announced dramatically, my voice echoing through the brush.

The Doctor blinked at me, his head tilting in disbelief. "You have a plan?" He asked while finicking with his bow tie.

I nodded, a smug grin curling my lips. "I have a plan."

His brows shot up, his voice shooting up an octave in unnecessary volume. "YOU HAVE A PLAN?!" He planted his hands on his hips, his tweed shifting as he did so.

"I DO HAVE A PLAN!"

"Maybe we should not be yelling right outside of the cottage of the apparent evil wizard?" Rory squeaked, his eyes flicking nervously to the cottage.

We ignored him but brought our voices down to exaggerated whispers.

"Okay, then what's your plan?" The Doctor demanded, but before I could answer, he scoffed and waved me off. "Never mind, I don't believe you—we're just stalling at this point... alright, let me think..."

"Hey!" I barked, poking him square in the chest. His nose scrunched up in offense, his gaze dropping to where my finger was jabbing him. "I have the start of a plan!"

"The start?" He blinked, his voice dripping with incredulity. "A start?!" His head fell back as he burst into laughter, his whole body shaking. "Oh, that's good, you're funny, dearest!"

"It's more than you, num-nuts!" I snapped and that caught his attention causing him to stop laughing and snap his head back up.

He scowled, wagging a finger at me like some old man telling a child to get off his lawn. He began talking some bullshit like; "Don't call me num-nuts!"

"I'll call you whatever I want!"

"This is absurd!" The Doctor threw his hands up, his hair falling into his face.

"You're absurd!" I sassed.

His jaw dropped. "Well..." He momentarily struggled. "Your face is absurd... I mean—" He faltered, eyes widening as he backtracked. "ABSURDLY HOT!" His laugh was nervous, his cheeks turning pink as Amy let out a dramatic groan.

"What kinda line even is that?!" I demanded, my cheeks burning despite myself. "At a time like this?!"

Amy stepped between us, her hands on her hips as she glared. "What are you two doing?! Are you both stalling?! Honestly, I really thought you guys had gotten over this!"

"Over what?!" The Doctor and I demanded in unison, both our heads whipping toward Amy.

Rory was just covering his face with his hands, shaking his head as he muttered under his breath. Something about how he couldn't believe he was traversing the universe with us in charge.

"Here is my plan!" I announced, a wicked grin spreading across my face as I waggled my brows at the Doctor.

His eyes narrowed. "What? Your plan is to look at me...?" He trailed off stupidly, his eyes widening as realization dawned on him. He took a nervous step back. "Wait—no! What's that look? Why are you looking at me like that? What's your plan? PJ...!"

I started counting off on my fingers. "The plan is to kick ass and take names!"

"WHAT?!" He exploded, tone alight with disbelief.

Without another word, I spun on my heel and darted toward the cottage. I heard the Doctor's strangled cry behind me, but I was already halfway there, my legs pumping as I reached the entrance. I lifted my foot and slammed it into the door, the wood splintering as it flew open. I burst into the room, my blaster drawn as I screamed, "PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, WE'RE THE COPS!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The Doctor's voice cracked behind me as he stumbled into the room, his eyes wide in horror. "GET BACK HERE—YOU JUST SAID WE'RE NOT THE POLICE!"

Amy stumbled in after him, her eyes wide in awe. "Wait, you just stole my idea and turned it into a plan?! You can't take credit for that... she totally can't take credit for that! Right, Rory?"

Rory came in last, his face as white as a sheet. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"

My eyes locked onto the man standing in the corner, his hair disheveled and his clothes torn. He was shaking, his hands up in surrender as he cowered in fear. He looked nothing like an evil wizard—in fact, he looked like he was high as hell.

Although, the robes on his figure were reminscent of something straight out of Harry Potter. Or Lord of the Rings.

"It's all a lie, I'm innocent—I swear! I turned in my Gazorp taxes yesterday!" He wailed, his voice cracking. "I know it was a little late—okay, a lot late—but I still did it!"

I blinked, my blaster still trained on the man as I tilted my head. "What?"

Amy just stared at him, her mouth hanging open. "This... this is the evil wizard?"

The little man was cowering in the corner, his robes frayed at the edges, face pale, and hair sticking out in every direction like he'd been electrocuted. Not exactly the imposing figure of dark magic and doom we were expecting.

The Doctor scratched his head, his face scrunched in confusion. "Alright, enough, everybody let's just calm down—"

I cut him off, jabbing my blaster toward the man. "What's your name, bitch?! Do you turn ladies into unicorns here?!" I demanded, waving the blaster around for emphasis. The guy flinched, shrinking even further into the corner. "You see this guy here?" I jerked my thumb at the Doctor, who looked at me like I'd grown a second head. "He's the Doctor—the entire police force of the universe, and... and... and he eats people! If you don't tell us the truth...!"

"What?! I do not eat people!" The Doctor shouted, stepping between me and the alleged wizard. His face was beet red, eyebrows knitted together. "I'm practically a vegetarian!"

"I know you're practically a vegetarian, you wuss! That was a clever lie to save our lives!" I yelled back, not lowering the blaster.

"From what?!" His arms flailed as he motioned around the cluttered cottage that looked like a tornado had passed through. "The scared guy in the corner we've clearly traumatized?!"

"You traumatize everyone!" I countered. "He's fine—it's all part of the plan. Now get behind me, Space Lord!"

Amy stood with her arms crossed, a brow quirked, clearly unimpressed. Rory looked between all of us, his mouth agape. "Are... are you seeing this? Is this actually happening right now?" He asked Amy in a whisper that was anything but quiet.

"Unfortunately." Amy sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

The Doctor threw his hands up. "This wasn't a plan! This was barely a concept! All you did was break into this guy's house and point a gun at him!"

"Which was my idea, by the way," Amy added, raising a hand like she was proud of it.

The Doctor snapped his fingers at her. "Quiet, Pond—Mummy and Daddy are talking."

"Mummy and Daddy are talking," I mocked in a high-pitched voice. "Puh-lease, 'Mummy and Daddy' is more you and River's thing! And it was a great plan—a classic plan!"

"A great and classic plan for a heist maybe! We're not heisting right now—wait, no! I take that back because we never heist!" He wagged a finger at me. "And if I'm Daddy and River Song is Mummy, then what does that make you? Baby?" He looked utterly scandalized by his own question, his face twisting up in horror.

I scoffed. "Gross, first of all. Second, I'm Daddy, River's Mummy, and you're Baby."

"What?!" He gasped as if I'd slapped him. "Actually, I barely even know River, so your point doesn't stand! I'm Daddy, and you're Mummy!"

My eyes narrowed. "Not in a million years, you man-child. I'm Daddy, end of discussion."

The wizard in the corner looked even more terrified now, his wide eyes bouncing between us like he was watching a tennis match.

Rory cleared his throat. "This conversation is getting weird. Please stop..."

Amy shuddered. "Yeah, seriously, keep the space kinks in the bedroom..."

The Doctor and I both whipped around, faces blazing. "It's not space kinks!" We shouted in embarrassed unison.

The Doctor cleared his throat and spun back toward me, his expression shifting to a more serious one. "Right, that's enough. PJ, put the blaster down." He tried to sound authoritative, but his voice wavered.

I ignored him, turning back to the so-called evil wizard. "Are you a wizard?!"

The man's knees shook as he nodded rapidly. "Y-Yes! I mean, I'm just an apothecary one though! Did... did one of my potions go wrong? Is that why you're here? I-I'm sorry! I tell people the heinie-enhancer elixir only has a 50% success rate!"

I blinked, slowly lowering my blaster. "What? Why would you sell something with a 50% success rate?"

"Yeah," The Doctor echoed, his head snapping to the side as he looked at me in confusion. "And a heinie-enhancer at that? That's all sorts of wrong..."

"Seriously..." I agreed. "It's like something we'd see the Atraxi bust someone for on their COPS show..."

The Doctor snorted, a giggle bubbling out of him. "Oh, they would, wouldn't they?" His face lit up, eyes twinkling with humor. "Can you imagine it? 'Sir, step away from the heinie-enhancer before we burn your planet down!"

I started laughing, my blaster dropping to my side as I clutched my stomach. "Oh my god, yes! And then they call in backup because someone's ass is twerking out of control—"

"Doctor! PJ!" Amy shouted, snapping us both out of our ridiculous fit of laughter. She looked beyond done with us, her hands on her hips. "We're kind of in the middle of something!"

"Oh... right... right..." The Doctor cleared his throat, his expression turning serious again. "Focus. Evil wizard. Potential threat. I'm the Doctor and I eat people—wait, no, hang on!" He spun back to me, face scrunched up. "You told him I eat people!"

I shrugged. "It was a strategic maneuver."

"That's not strategic—that's deranged!" He waved his arms frantically. "I do not eat people!"

"Coulda fooled me," I teased, smirking.

He ran a hand down his face. "This is absurd..."

"Tell me about it," I shot back.

"Honestly! What are you two doing?! I really thought you'd gotten over doing this!" Amy chided.

"Over what?!" The Doctor and I shouted simultaneously.

"Whatever this is!" She motioned between us with both hands. "This weird... flirting-banter-arguing-like-an-old-married-couple-thing!"

We both opened our mouths to argue but were cut off by the man cowering in the corner. "So this isn't about the heinie-enhancer or my Gazorp taxes?"

I tilted my head. "No."

The Doctor's face fell as he sighed. "Oh, brilliant... just a tax evader..." He turned to me, his brows furrowed. "This is why you don't just kick people's doors in, wave a gun around, and accuse them!"

I shrugged, unapologetic. "Hey, you're the one who lectured me about the importance of this guy might being a horrendous villainous man who needs to be stopped!"

The Doctor opened his mouth, then closed it, looking at the sniveling man in the corner. "Well... those weren't my exact words..."

"Whatever!" I crossed my arms. "It's still the same point you made."

He rolled his eyes. "Same point, different wording."

I opened my mouth but couldn't get another sass out because Amy threw her hands up in exasperation. "Have you two even kissed yet?"

What the fuck does that have to do with anything?

The Doctor and I both froze, spinning to face her with matching wide eyes.

"Quite frankly, that's none of your business, Pond—" The Doctor huffed defensively, at the same time I declared, "Yes!" a little too loudly.

He turned to me, eyebrows shooting up to his hairline. "What do you mean yes? We've never kissed! Not from your perspective, at least!"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "First of all, if the answer is no, then why'd you get so defensive about it? Everyone knows saying 'none of your business' is just a shameful way of admitting yes."

He flapped his hands, sputtering, "I—I... It is not! It's just... It's just not any of her business!"

Amy snorted, clearly enjoying his flustered state. Rory, meanwhile, was watching in disbelief.

I ignored the Doctor's rambling. "Second of all, you kissed me when we helped Winston Churchill with those Daleks."

He opened his mouth, clearly ready to argue, but then his eyes widened, his face going through a series of comical expressions as the memory dawned on him. He looked sheepish, waving his hands dismissively. "That was... spur of the moment! Completely meaningless! A... a platonic kiss!"

"A platonic kiss on the lips?" I deadpanned. "That's not a thing."

"It is! Plenty of cultures kiss on the lips platonically! Want me to list them?"

I rolled my eyes. "Even if, by some miracle, that counted as a platonic kiss, last night's definitely didn't. That was all tongue, buddy... and more..." I added the last part thoughtfully. "...Much more..." I said, referring to the shared dream.

Amy gasped, eyes wide with excitement. "Last night? Oh, this is getting good! Rory and I have been together for ages, so I'm living vicariously through this!"

"Thanks," Rory muttered sarcastically while shaking his head. "Guess I'll need to figure out more ways to spice it up..."

"Can you people get out of my house?" The wizard-alien-person grumbled from the corner, but we ignored him.

"Last night?" The Doctor echoed, his eyes narrowing before a slow, smug grin spread across his face. He leaned in, his voice dropping to a low murmur. "I thought you said you didn't dream about anything last night?"

My face went hot. Oops.

"I didn't!" I snapped, but my voice cracked. I turned away, suddenly fascinated by the floor. "You know what—never mind. You're right. We haven't kissed."

His smugness only grew as he stepped closer, his voice taunting. "Oh no, I think you're right, we've done much more than that... if we're counting last night."

My mouth dropped open, face heating even more as my head snapped to him. "You—! You're vile, you sick old man!"

"Oi, no need to call me names..." The Doctor chuckled. "Just because you're flustered, deary, but then I suppose you do like names—"

"Oh my God," Rory groaned, slapping his hands over his ears. "Nope. Nope. Not listening! This is way too much information!"

The Doctor jumped back looking flustered as he remembered that we were not alone, though a cheeky smirk still played at his lips. I scowled, shoving past him and pointing my blaster at the wizard again.

"So!" I shouted, my voice pitched too high. "You never answered the question. Do you turn ladies into unicorns or not?"

"So you are here about the heinie-enhancer elixir!"

"PJ! Put the gun down!"

▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂

The evil wizard, who we learned was named Alonium Casterber does; in fact, turn ladies into unicorns.

Space-alien unicorns technically have a different name and are a separate species from 'unicorn' but the TARDIS is translating Romulus language to English, and this unicorn-like being looks exactly like what Earth culture considers to be a 'unicorn' so it translates to 'unicorn'.

Alonium Casterber straightened his spine, brushing the dust off his tattered robes. He looked at us with a sort of defeated dignity. "Yes, alright. I do, in fact, turn ladies into unicorns."

Amy's jaw dropped. "You... what?"

"To be clear," Alonium hurriedly added, raising his hands, "It's not on purpose! That would be unethical!"

I narrowed my eyes. "So you're saying you accidentally turn women into unicorns?"

The so-called wizard nodded. "Yes. It's the side effect of a, um, beauty-enhancement elixir. You see, I'm a potioneer—a working potioneer, mind you!"

The Doctor hummed thoughtfully, rubbing his prominent chin. "Potioneer, huh? What exactly does that entail?"

Alonium's chest puffed up with pride. "I mix elixirs of beauty, potions of strength, tonics for luck! It's... it's an ancient craft, passed down through generations."

"Right." I shot the Doctor a sideways glance, noticing the gleam of curiosity in his eyes. He was eating this up. I was pretty sure he'd already figured out the potions were just alien chemicals reacting, but he wouldn't dare say it aloud. Didn't want to ruin the magic, huh, Space Lord?

Alonium's shoulders slumped. "Unfortunately, I'm... not particularly good at it. The ingredients are... tricky. They don't always mix the way I intend."

I folded my arms. "What does that mean?"

"That heinie-enhancer elixir, the one I was talking about earlier," He went on, his voice dripping with shame. "It's supposed to give, you know, a more... shapely figure. It works about half the time. The other half..." He cringed, rubbing the back of his neck before making an explosive motion with his hands. "Unicorn."

Amy blinked. "I'm sorry, unicorn? As in...?"

"A graceful, majestic, single-horned beast," Alonium confirmed miserably. "For some reason, it only affects the women, though. It's always fine for the men! I think it's got to do with women's hormonal balances or something."

I snorted. "So you're saying your heinie-enhancer either gives people a Kim K-approved BBL or turns them into a unicorn?"

He grimaced. "I do not know who this Kim K is nor what a BBL is?"

"Not important!" The Doctor's eyes sparkled with amusement. "And what happens to them over time? The women you accidentally transform?"

"They turn back," Alonium said quickly. "After a few months, they revert to normal. It's perfectly harmless!"

"A few months?" Amy shrieked. "They're stuck as unicorns for months?"

"That's like... a whole season!" Rory added, his eyes wide. "People could miss birthdays, weddings... job interviews!"

Alonium shuffled his feet, looking properly scolded. "Well... yes. But they're very graceful unicorns! And, they know the risk... for some it's worth it for the chance of having a bigger bum."

I ran a hand over my face. "Jesus fuck..."

"Language..." the Doctor warned.

"Fuck you," I smirked.

"PJ!" He sounded appalled.

I ignored the Doctor, looking to Alonium. "Let me see this potion. I'm a chemist—I bet I can figure out what's causing the problem."

"What's a chemist?" Alonium asked.

"A potioneer," I corrected myself.

"A fellow potioneer!" Alonium exclaimed, eyes wide with awe.

"Among many other things," I muttered. "Now show me the setup."

"Yes," The Doctor snorted under his breath. "Many other things,"

"Still more talented than you,"

"Oi, don't start!"

Alonium led us through the cluttered cottage, weaving between stacks of old books and broken furniture that looked like they hadn't been moved in centuries. The air was thick with the scent of herbs, dust, and something else—something sweet and metallic that tingled at the back of my throat.

We entered a room that looked like something out of a fantasy novel. A massive cauldron sat in the center, bubbling with a vibrant purple liquid that released thick swirls of vapor. Shelves lined the walls, overflowing with glass jars of all shapes and sizes. Each jar held a different bizarre ingredient—powdered roots, neon-colored crystals, shimmering liquids, and even what looked like dried insect wings.

Amy's eyes went wide as saucers. "Oh. My. God. This is... this is amazing!" She bounced on her toes, her hands clapping together. "An actual cauldron... in an actual wizard's cottage! It's like Harry Potter!"

I snickered. "Nerd."

"Oh, you're one to talk—Lord of the Rings, freak! Like you're not geeking out too," She shot back. "This is the coolest thing ever! I mean... look at that cauldron!"

Even Rory looked impressed. "Yeah, this is... wow." He moved closer to one of the shelves, squinting at a jar labeled 'Glimmering Spider Silk.' "This is real, isn't it? It's all... real."

"It's technically just alien chemicals," The Doctor muttered under his breath, his eyes alight with childlike wonder. "But... yes. Yes, it's real."

Amy's face was glowing as she gazed around the room, her fingers twitching as if she wanted to touch everything at once. The Doctor's expression softened, his gaze lingering on her for just a moment longer than usual.

He leaned in close to her, his voice teasing. "I think you're more excited about this than your upcoming wedding."

Rory grunted at the two but did not say anything. It was no secret, no matter how much Amy loved Rory, that she was not as thrilled about their wedding as he was. She had cold feet. Loved him to pieces sure, but cold feet nonetheless.

Amy elbowed the Doctor playfully. "It's a cauldron! In a wizard's cottage! This is the best day of my life!"

The Doctor laughed, that soft, fond laugh he only ever used when talking to Amelia Pond. "Yeah... I suppose it is pretty fantastic."

I watched them out of the corner of my eye, noticing the way they leaned into each other, faces alight with shared joy.

I turned to Alonium, who was wringing his hands nervously. "Alright, wizard-boy. Show me exactly how you make this stuff."

He nodded rapidly, rushing to the shelves and grabbing several jars of suspicious-looking powders and liquids. As he began his demonstration, I leaned over the cauldron, watching the liquid bubble and swirl. It shimmered with an otherworldly light, glowing faintly as if it were alive.

I felt the Doctor's presence come up beside me, his shoulder brushing mine. "You see it too, don't you?" He murmured, his voice low and curious.

I nodded. "This potion... it's... it's reacting. Almost like it's... feeling something."

The Doctor's eyes flicked to me, bright with intrigue. "Exactly. It's emotional. Or maybe... empathetic?"

I stared at the potion, my mind buzzing with questions. A chemical reaction that responds to emotion? Interesting.

I looked up at Alonium, who was still rambling about the exact ratio of powdered moonseed to phoenix tears.

"Alright, Space Lord," I muttered, nudging the Doctor. "Let's see if we can figure out what's wrong with this magic juice before another girl gets a horn on her head."

The Doctor grinned, eyes sparkling. "Oh, I do love a good mystery."

"I know," I huffed.

Alonium moved around the cluttered room, grabbing jars from high shelves and tossing bundles of dried herbs over his shoulder with reckless abandon. His cauldron bubbled ominously, the purple potion within shimmering.

The Doctor stood close to me, his shoulder brushing mine as he leaned in, watching the potion with that bright, feverish curiosity he always had. His hair flopped into his eyes, and he absentmindedly shook his head to clear his vision.

"So, wizard-boy," I called out, leaning against the edge of the table as Alonium shuffled through his ingredients. "Walk me through this. What's in this heinie-enhancer elixir of yours?"

Alonium turned, arms full of jars and bottles, his face lighting up at the chance to explain his craft. "Ah, yes! Well, first you need a base of liquefied moonflower nectar—very rare, you know. It gives the potion its shimmering glow."

The Doctor nodded approvingly. "Oh, that's brilliant! Moonflower nectar is bioluminescent—it would react to the electromagnetic field of the planet. Very clever."

Alonium beamed. "Thank you! I don't know what an electrificitic-field is though..." He said while setting the jars on the table with a flourish. "Then you add a dash of powdered sprite breath for buoyancy and a pinch of willow's wisp to stabilize the mixture."

I furrowed my brow, thinking fast. Sprite breath... that had to be a gaseous compound, probably something like xenon. Willow's wisp... stabilizer... that sounded like a binding agent, maybe something similar to silica.

I was mentally translating Alonium's fantasy ingredients into the actual chemical compounds they served as, the logical side of my brain working overtime to find the science behind the 'magic'. Which kinda sucked because I would love to just take it for the face value of bam—magic—wow!

But if we wanted answers and solutions then I need to understand how these components actually worked and acted.

Alonium continued, his voice taking on a dramatic lilt. "Then, you add a spoonful of chimera's essence to imbue the potion with transformative power."

"Transformative power?" I repeated, arching an eyebrow. "And what, exactly, is 'chimera's essence'?"

"Oh, it's very rare," Alonium said proudly. "It's distilled from the venom of the chimera-beetle, nasty creatures, those. Their venom is incredibly potent, capable of altering the physical form of anything it touches."

Both the Doctor and I cringed in unison.

"Well, there's your problem," The Doctor said, grimacing. "Why would you ever use that?"

"Eh, spiced it up a bit, plus it guarantees results..." Alonium told us.

It kinda makes sense, he needed it to ensure the butt transforms. But also, it's very unpredictable, probably the worst transformative compound one can choose to use.

Amy looked between us, confused. "Wait, what? What's wrong with it?"

The Doctor shook his head, his hands already moving as he gestured wildly. "Chimera-beetle venom is a very temperamental compound! It's incredibly unstable. It's notorious for its unpredictability—one moment it's a powerful transformative agent, and the next it's causing spontaneous transfiguration! An entire race went extinct from it once, kept turning each other into rocks accidentally!"

Amy's eyes widened. "Seriously?"

"Oh yes," The Doctor continued, his words spilling out faster and faster. "It's all to do with the energy resonance—the molecular structure is so sensitive that it responds to even the slightest shift in electromagnetic fields, which is why it would react to emotional states. Emotionally unbalanced women get turned into unicorns! It's basically like liquid chaos!"

I rolled my eyes, nudging his arm. "Doctor, the humans are lost—you're boring them..."

The Doctor scrunched his nose, glancing at me with a curious twinkle. "Why do you refer to them as 'the humans' when you yourself are human?"

I hesitated, caught off-guard by the suspicion in his tone. I couldn't let him think too deeply about that. "At this point, I'm barely human," I said, injecting just the right amount of sarcasm into my voice.

The Doctor's eyes narrowed, his curiosity sharpening. "And just what is that supposed to mean—?"

"Here, you guys can look at it!" Alonium's voice cut in, trembling with excitement. He stumbled over, carrying a smaller cauldron filled to the brim with the bubbling purple liquid. "Here it is—AHH!"

His foot caught on a tattered edge of the carpet, and everything seemed to happen in slow motion. Alonium pitched forward, the cauldron tilting dangerously.

The Doctor moved fast, faster than I could even blink. He shoved Amy and Rory back, his long limbs flailing as he narrowly dodged the cascading potion. But he was too far away to grab me.

The liquid splashed over me, dousing my front with its cold, tingling sensation. I yelped, stumbling back as the potion soaked through my clothes, dripping down my arms and legs. It felt like static, prickling at my skin.

Some of it even got into my mouth... gross, this tastes like ass.

"Oh my god—you idiot!" I yelled, frantically patting myself down. "I'm gonna die! Or grow a bigger ass? My ass was already great, it's firm and cute and just the right size! Or am I going shift into a fucking unicorn..! Wait... no... I feel fine?" I rambled frantically, nearly inconsolable.

My perfect ass!

The Doctor's eyes were wide, his gaze darting over me with a mix of horror and fascination. "You... you feel fine?"

I looked down at myself, my hands turning over in front of my face. No fur, no hooves, no... horns. "Yeah, I feel... completely normal. Did my ass grow then?" I asked the last part in disdain.

This potion only turned emotionally unbalanced women into unicorns. But, c'mon, there is like no part of me that is emotionally unbalanced. I'm totally fine!

...That's a lie, every part of me is completely unbalanced!

I'm no Air Nomad; okay, I'm more like a Fire Bender. I'm like Avatar Korra before she got all emotionally stable... or Zuko when he was a villain... or fucking Azula!

The Doctor relaxed, his shoulders sagging in relief. His eyes flicked downward, and he grinned. "Well, your behind certainly looks as voluptuously muscular as usual, dearest..."

I shot him a glare. "Did you just say voluptuous? Okay, you've looked, Doctor...! You can stop looking at my ass now!"

He straightened, hands held up in mock innocence. "It was for scientific purposes only!"

I huffed, crossing my arms. "Yeah, I know my ass taut and round—"

The Doctor's eyes sparkled mischievously as he helpfully added, "—And firm!"

Amy groaned, stepping between us as Rory shook his head. "Your guys' conversation is getting weird again..."

The Doctor's cheeks tinged pink as he snapped himself back to focus. "Right, yes, thank you, Pond! Anyway, Alonium, are you sure...?"

He was cut off by Alonium, who was staring at me with wide, terrified eyes. His face had gone pale, his hands trembling. "If... if your buttocks aren't any bigger... then... then that means you're... you're turning into a unicorn."

My blood ran cold. "What do you mean?! I feel fine—"

"Well, it usually takes a moment or two!"

And then it happened. A sharp snap echoed around me, and a blinding light engulfed my vision. My body jerked, twisting unnaturally as my limbs contorted. I screamed, but the sound came out as a high-pitched whinny.

The world spun, my body shifting and bending as the light wrapped around me like a cocoon. My legs gave out, and I crashed to the floor on all fours. My vision swam, the world too bright, too sharp. I shook my head, and something heavy and solid swayed on my forehead.

I looked down—and saw hooves. White, shining hooves where my hands should be.

"No... no, no, no..." I tried to speak, but all that came out was a panicked neigh.

I was a unicorn. I am a motherfucking unicorn.

Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God!

The Doctor was staring at me from across the room with huge eyes—his jaw practically hitting the floor. His arms were outstretched as though shielding Amy and Rory—their expressions similar.

"Doctor..." Amy started, her Scottish accent growing thicker. "Is th-that... that's a unicorn..." She was flabbergasted. "That is a unicorn!"

"A proper unicorn..." Rory breathed directly afterward. "Holy Christ..."

"No," The Doctor shook his head, still appearing dazed. "That is PJ..." He said, voice taut before going higher and more panicked as he yelled. "That's my girlfriend!"

"Your girlfriend is a unicorn... why does that oddly make sense for you?" I vaguely heard Rory mutter to himself which only enraged me further.

I blinked before shouting back, "I am NOT your girlfriend!" Unfortunately, this came out as a long, drawn-out, angry-sounding whinny.

"Not yet, dearest, not from your perspective..." The Doctor said back. "But you will be... although, I guess I've kinda spoiled it now, haven't I?" He added sheepishly, still staring at me in unabashed shock as he rambled.

Of course, this fool can understand horse-language.

"I am so sorry. This is what I was talking about," Alonium breathed shakily, staring at me in disappointment. See, you should've had a bigger backside; instead, you grew a horn," he explained.

And turned into a fucking horse!

"I didn't want either of those options; why would I want a bubble-butt or to be a unicorn, you dick! Turn me back!" I cried in a loud shout that sounded like a huffing-puffing neigh. "TURN ME BACK RIGHT NOW! YOU UGLY MOTHERFUCKING GREMLIN BITCH ASS STUPID...!" I proceeded to call him every insult and curse under the sun, but it still came out as only neighs, my hooves were stomping on the ground to get my point across.

Alonium, while he obviously had no clue what I was saying, still looked positively frightened as he stumbled back.

"What's happening? She looks angry," Rory pointed out in panic.

"Doctor... can you understand her? What's she saying?" Amy quickly asked, noticing that the Doctor was cringing as the phrases left my mouth.

"Uhm, yes, I can, and she is saying very naughty things that I will not repeat..." He shook his head. "PJ, dearest, calm down! And watch your language!" He held a wagging finger.

"You watch YOUR language, bitch!" I reeled, slamming my hooves to the ground as I now addressed the Doctor angrily.

"Oi!"

"What happened, what'd she say?" Amy asked, looking back and forth between us with huge eyes.

Rory was still staring at me in a mystified way—muttering something about aliens and unicorns and how this actually real?

"Now she's just being mean," The Doctor huffed. "She's turned her insults toward me..."

"FIX IT NOW!" I screeched turning back to Alonium with my horn pointed at him and ready to charge. "OR I WILL STAB YOU SO FAR UP YOUR ASS‚ YOU'LL TASTE BLOOD!"

"PJ!" The Doctor cried out frantically. "Stop it, I will fix this—" He was cut off by Alonium screaming, taking off running—the wizard obviously being done with this entire thing.

I released a war-like sound, chasing after him and destroying his home in the process seeing as it was not exactly built for a creature as big as a horse to tear through it.

For a moment, it was hard to get used to four legs and weird to adjust to my size. But for the sake of killing this motherfucker, I made due and surged after him.

The sound of the Doctor's sonic being drawn as well as his frantic voice calling for me to STOP echoed behind us. But I paid Space Lord number eleven no mind as I was too caught up in my rage.

The wizard was practically tripping over himself as he burst from the back door—a back door that flew off its hinges as my big ass horse body shot through right after him. I also damaged the wall quite a bit.

I could hear all three members of the TARDIS crew—ha, TARDIS crew, that's a good name for them—screaming in response to what was happening.

I was willing to bet that Alonium had never run harder in his life. I could feel the Doctor right on my heels.

And somehow, our double date on Romulus had ended with me stuck as a goddamn unicorn, chasing the alien equivalent of a wizard through the woods and trying to shove my horn up his ass.

At this point, such a thing should not come as a surprise.

Said wizard was shrieking like a banshee, his robes flapping wildly as he sprinted through the undergrowth, arms flailing. Behind me, the Doctor was shouting at the top of his lungs, sonic screwdriver in hand. "Dearest! Stop! I can fix this—no need for impalement! Not up the—oh, that's just uncalled for!"

What a prude. If the opportunity to kill someone via anus impalement presents itself, you take it. That's just common sense.

Amy clearly agreed with me, as she was running behind the Doctor, whooping and cheering me on. "Go on, PJ! Poke him good!"

"Amy! Stop encouraging her!" The Doctor cried back.

Meanwhile, Rory was somewhere at the back of our little parade, gasping between breaths. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"

I finally managed to corner the alien wizard against a steep cliffside, his back against the edge as he spun around, eyes wide and frantic. He dropped to his knees, hands up in surrender, babbling in terror. "Please! I didn't mean to turn you into a unicorn! It was an accident!" His eyes flicked to my shimmering coat and flowing mane. "But at least your hair looks all shiny—"

I tried to scream an outraged "Fuck you!" but all that came out was an ear-piercing whinny. Furious, I scraped at the ground with one hoof and lowered my head, my horn gleaming dangerously as I prepared to charge.

The wizard's face drained of color. "No—no, wait!"

Too late. I charged, horn aimed right at his throat.

The Doctor suddenly jumped in front of Alonium—face stern and arms crossed over his chest in a bossy manner.

"Stop," He demanded, not even flinching as I was barely able to stop myself from impaling him instead.

I managed to skid to a stop, my horn inches from the Doctor's throat. And yet, the Oncoming Storm did not so much as quake.

"Get out of my way," I proclaimed, my voice coming out of as more of that stupid whinny. "Move, Space Lord!"

"No," The Doctor smirked. "Dearest, it was an accident—I can definitely fix this... I am sure Alonium and I can put our minds together and come up with an anti-unicorn elixir in no time!" He said, voice cheery and full of hope.

I angrily snorted. "Accident or not—look at me! I am a fucking unicorn!"

"I know," The Doctor snickered, staring at me with a happy gleam in his eyes. "You do look quite majestic..."

"It's not funny!"

"No, of course not!" He quickly shook his head and slapped some sense into himself. He turned to the wizard, eyebrows furrowed and face as angry as he could muster despite seeming not too concerned. "Alonium—you will come back with me immediately to whip up an antidote... we need to fix that elixir... honestly... I can't believe you've been selling this people!" He scolded like a disappointed grandfather.

"Yeah—okay—I'll do whatever you want, sir! Just please don't let your wife or girlfriend or whatever she is to you stick that horn anywhere near my anus!" Alonium hastily begged the Doctor who cringed as I pointed my horn at Alonium threateningly.

"PJ..." The Doctor said carefully. "Be a good girl and listen to me—"

"I am NOT an actual horse, you asshat, don't ever say that again—"

"Of course, you're not a horse, you're a unicorn!"

"You sexist jerk! I swear, you think you can talk down on me because you're some old man—"

"Oi! I can't be sexist, I am literally a gender-fluid being of existence!" The Doctor defended himself hotly. "TimeLord's do not have a gender or—!"

"Well, you're a male right now and you certainly use the pronouns him and he—" I argued.

"Because just look at this face! Quote handsome, first of all, but being known as a man makes it easier for single-gendered species! I don't really care if someone calls me she or he or they or—"

"YOU STILL HAVE A COCK THAT YOU SWING AROUND!"

"What does that have you do with anything! You're still a naughty girl!"

"You are only making my point! How would you feel if I call you a naughty boy? Because you are—you are a naughty naughty boy!"

"Actually," He smiled almost shyly. "I don't mind it too much..." He then coughed, awkwardly looking around. "But it's slightly odd right now considering I am looking at a majestic unicorn... still very pretty though!"

"How about I kill you both?" I deadpanned.

"How you don't do that, dearest?" The Doctor shot back, fixing his bow tie.

Amy and Rory had caught up to us in the time that the Doctor and I were arguing, looking between us back and forth. It hit me that literally nobody but the Doctor could understand me—this fool was literally arguing with a unicorn. All my words had come out as angry-sounding whinnying and neighs.

Amy huffed an incredulous. "I-I can't believe you guys," She was laughing as though it was the most absurd thing ever. "Doctor, she literally can't even respond to you properly and yet you both are still squabbling..."

Rory shrugged. "At this point it's quite apparent they're made for each other, Amy,"

The Doctor perked up at that statement, happily pointing toward Rory.

"Fuck you both," I angrily neighed at the two humans, both of whom quirked a brow at me.

"What'd she say, Doctor?" Amy asked.

The Doctor awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "Uhm, better I don't say actually..."

"What is happening...?" Alonium asked quietly, shaking his head in disbelief.

▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂ ✶ ▂

Five hours later, and I was stuck outside being fed carrots by Rory.

The Doctor ordered it, somehow sensing I was hungry—it was only because I am the size of a big-ass horse and now have the appetite of one. He also thought it to be better that I have fuel to power me through drinking the antidote once he and Alonium finish with it.

At first, I refused, but Rory begged me to just eat the damn carrots so he did not need to drag the Doctor out here to do it himself. Considering I pitied Rory, I gave in. I also did not want to distract the Doctor from fixing this, it was already taking him and Alonium hours to craft it.

Amy was sat inside with them, watching the two men work.

I could only peer through the window, being nosy as I made sure what they were brewing appeared to correctly correspond to the reaction we were trying to create. Based on what I could see, it was good so far.

Although, I had made one suggestion earlier—neighing my words loudly through the open window. The Doctor had promptly taken my advice before closing the window while muttering a goofy-sound; "I've got this, peanut gallery!"

Seriously, fuck this guy. No wonder his first wife left him... okay, I don't know if that's true or not, but I would totally not be surprised if his old wife had divorced him. All I know is that he is not married now, so he was either divorced and then she died... or, y'know—she just died.

I paced outside the cottage, hooves thudding against the dirt as I glared at the door. Rory held out another carrot, looking positively terrified, and I grudgingly chomped down on it. Stupid Doctor. Stupid Alonium. Stupid magic elixir turning me into a fucking unicorn.

The door burst open, and the Doctor practically skipped out, holding a vial of swirling blue liquid above his head triumphantly. "Finished! Antidote ready!"

I didn't even hesitate. I charged toward him, ears pinned back and nostrils flaring. I skidded to a halt just before crashing into him, my nose brushing his chest as I aggressively sniffed at the vial.

Good enough.

"Douse me with that shit, right now!" I ordered, voice still a fucking whinny.

The Doctor stumbled back, cradling the vial protectively before stuffing it deep into his trouser pocket. "Hold your horses—!" He beamed, clearly proud of his stupid joke. "Before you turn back into a boring woman, please let me—"

"Hey!" I snapped, stomping my hoof. But he continued, eyes wide and pleading, his hands clasped in front of him like he was about to beg on his knees.

"Okay, sorry, not a boring woman—definitely anything but boring. But please... let me ride you."

"What?" I nearly choked. "Are you insane? Absolutely not!"

"Aw, come on! I'm 907 years old, and I've never ridden a unicorn!" His eyes sparkled, that boyish excitement radiating off him in waves. It was infuriating. "At this point, there isn't a lot that I haven't done in my life, I have almost no more firsts left to do, but this is one of them! Please?"

"It's the same thing as riding a horse!"

"Yeah, but you've got a horn... and you're sorta magic... you're also my girlfriend...!"

I glared at him, nostrils flaring. "First off, I'm not your girlfriend. Second, this isn't magic, it's a fucking alien concoction of chemicals with wild ass effects! Third, the horn doesn't change anything! You can strap a fake horn on a regular horse and ride that!"

"It's not the same, and you know it!" His bottom lip jutted out, and his eyes widened, going impossibly round and shiny. How did he do that? "Please?"

"No."

"Please."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please? With a cherry on top and a promise to let you snoop through my bedroom?"

I snorted, tossing my head. "I already did that."

His jaw dropped. "WHAT?! When?"

I ignored his question. "The answer's still no, Doctor."

He stepped closer, his hand brushing my muzzle softly. His voice softened, turning almost romantic, his eyes sparkling with something so earnest it hurt to look at. "Please, my dearest Cooper... let me ride you."

Those words sounded wrong on so many levels.

I wanted to die. Right then and there. That voice, those eyes... damn him. I sighed, pawing the ground. "That sounded gross and you look proper wrong flirting with a horse, Doctor... but fine. Five minutes. That's all you get."

His face lit up, brighter than a supernova. "Yes! That's all I need!"

And before I could rethink my terrible life choices, he was swinging himself up and over my back, settling in far too easily. He leaned down, patting my neck. "Good girl."

I let out an indignant snort, rolling my eyes so hard I nearly saw my own brain. "Sexist asshat."

He ignored that statement.

Amy snickered from the doorway, arms crossed as she watched with barely contained amusement. The Doctor and I both glared at her.

"Five minutes! That's all we need. PJ and I are just going for a quick... gallop!" He leaned forward, grinning madly as he nudged my sides with his heels. "Yah!"

I had to take a deep breath. This absolute idiot. I'm not a real horse!

But if he wants a real pony ride...

With a dramatic huff, I reared back onto my hind legs, my front hooves kicking at the sky as I let out the most ear-splitting whinny I could manage. The Doctor yelped, his arms flailing as he clung to my neck.

"WHOA! Blimey, warn me, would you?!"

I dropped back down, feeling his weight shift just enough to let me know he was still on my back before I took off at full speed. My hooves thundered against the ground, kicking up dirt and rocks as I charged down the path. The wind whipped through my mane, and the Doctor whooped in delight, laughing like an absolute maniac.

"YES! HAHA! BRILLIANT! FANTASTIC! YOU'RE AMAZING! RIDE LIKE THE WIND!"

"Isn't that from Toy Story?" I asked between breaths as I ran, surprised that it was actually rather easy.

"Yes, lovely movie innit?"

He was holding on for dear life, his fingers tangled in my mane, but he sounded so unbelievably happy that I almost didn't hate him for this. Almost.

I bolted down the hillside, zigzagging through the trees, feeling his legs tighten around my sides as he tried to keep his balance. His laughter echoed around us, his voice high and giddy. "FASTER, PJ! FASTER!"

I rolled my eyes, but my body responded anyway, picking up speed as I raced across the open field. I could feel his heart pounding against my back, his breath coming out in excited gasps. He was like a child. A reckless, ridiculous, frustratingly charming man-child.

The Doctor whooped again, leaning back and throwing his arms in the air. "I'M RIDING A UNICORN!"

This fucking alien.

I considered throwing him off. Just a quick buck, nothing too dangerous. But his joy was so infectious, so pure, I found myself smiling instead, my hooves pounding against the earth as I galloped like I'd never galloped before, and hopefully would never gallop again.

I hated him. I really did. But as his laughter filled the air, I couldn't help but feel just a little bit happy too.

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author's note:

let me know how you all felt about this little original adventure!